Today, while I was getting it on with my girlfriend I accidentally called out "Mom" instead of her name. FML

by Anonymous / 10/01/2009 at 1:56am / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Intimacy

Today, after an amazing sex session, my boyfriend rolls over and stares lovingly into my eyes, puts his hand on my cheek caressing it tenderly... and says "Who's a good piggy?" in his best Homer Simpson's voice. FML

by homersgirl / 09/30/2009 at 4:28am / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

by pummy / 09/29/2009 at 8:48pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, my little sister asked what masturbation was. We were having a family dinner with my grandparents. My mother then said, "Why don't you ask your brother? He is a pro." FML

by namhtor / 09/28/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was feeling really horny. I decided to send dirty texts to my girlfriend. I sent the first and she didn't reply, so I sent more and more and then I got one back saying 'Stay away from my little girl.' FML

by Oops54321 / 09/28/2009 at 3:12am / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Intimacy

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

by NiHao / 09/27/2009 at 11:16pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Intimacy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch, he looked down at my chest and said "I can't wait for the day that these produce milk." We've only been dating a few months and I have no intention of lactating anytime soon. FML

by e11ie / 09/27/2009 at 4:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, I listened to my voice mail messages for the first time in months. One was from my Grandma that must have been meant for Gramps. I think I know now why my mother has so many siblings. FML

by Anonymous / 09/27/2009 at 8:52am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy

Today, I told my girlfriend I have only one testicle. Her reaction? "Eeew, balls are gross!" I'm glad to know I'm only half as gross as other guys. FML

by lone_ranger / 09/25/2009 at 7:13am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that being rhythmically challenged really really sucks. I was trying to dance around sexily for my girlfriend, and I was doing that one move where you thrust your pelvis forward, and swing you hand from side to side. I hit myself in the nuts. FML

by Dumbfuck / 09/25/2009 at 12:41am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was cleaning out from underneath my bed and found a used condom. I've never had sex in my own room. FML

by Madison43097 / 09/24/2009 at 4:57pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

by loveless / 09/24/2009 at 12:30am / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I got it on for the first time with a guy I've been dating. He had to turn the TV up loud so that his mom couldn't hear anything. I'm 20 years old and I lost my virginity with Disney Channel blaring in the background. FML

by seriouslystupid / 09/23/2009 at 8:08pm / United States / Intimacy