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Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

#2357
37 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14128) - you deserved it (40529)

On 01/23/2009 at 2:50pm - intimacy - by killmyself - United States (California)

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

#2349
9 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24821) - you deserved it (7975)

On 01/23/2009 at 1:51pm - intimacy - by Sleep Walking - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I was doing a striptease for this guy over my webcam. I was shaking my ass while taking off my panties, but when they fell to my feet, I tripped over them and fell on my ass. FML

#2336
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8311) - you deserved it (49003)

On 01/23/2009 at 11:52am - intimacy - by sadgirl - United States (Virginia)

Today, I went to Target to buy some soap and this 65-70 year old woman next to me was asking a sales associate if they had any bubble bath mix. I suddenly pictured her naked, bathing herself and suddenly my dick just couldn't sit still. It's probably because I haven't had sex in over 22 months. FML

#2281
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26551) - you deserved it (10756)

On 01/23/2009 at 3:36am - intimacy - by fecurtis - United States (Virginia)

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

#2256
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58519) - you deserved it (7765)

On 01/22/2009 at 7:42pm - intimacy - by TheEnglishOne - United States (California)

Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says "What's for dinner?". FML

#2177
46 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6701) - you deserved it (23656)

On 01/22/2009 at 11:09am - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my parents woke me up in the middle of the night when they got in a huge argument and started yelling at each other. I was up all night. They decided to make it up to each other. They kept me up all night again. FML

#2137
16 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38431) - you deserved it (2008)

On 01/22/2009 at 3:29am - intimacy - by Noname - United States (Nebraska)

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

#1998
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28096) - you deserved it (1621)

On 01/21/2009 at 6:22am - intimacy - by theDiva - Malta

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. He started touching me... with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. FML

#1806
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31678) - you deserved it (6209)

On 01/19/2009 at 10:55pm - intimacy - by rindawg - United States (California)

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

#1752
53 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32913) - you deserved it (9029)

On 01/19/2009 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by stanDman - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

#1678
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27083) - you deserved it (11238)

On 01/18/2009 at 10:20pm - intimacy - by gjh - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

#1585
56 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18771) - you deserved it (36470)

On 01/18/2009 at 11:30am - intimacy - by f__k_it - United States (Oregon)

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

#1555
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20625) - you deserved it (2745)

On 01/18/2009 at 7:41am - intimacy - by SSH - United States (Florida)



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