Today, my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. It came running down the stairs. With a used condom in its mouth. The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. It put it directly in my mom's hands. FML

by Tucker / 11/18/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

by 3sacrowd / 11/16/2009 at 10:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML

by loldick / 11/15/2009 at 1:28pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

by taurus05 / 11/13/2009 at 10:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

by thelistman / 11/13/2009 at 2:04pm / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my upstairs neighbor congratulated me on keeping him 'til dawn with my girlfriend and the chick in the apartment next to us. He doesn't know how I got them to agree to a threesome. Since I was at my folks all weekend, neither do I. FML

by butch / 11/13/2009 at 2:04am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me that every time he has sex with me he thinks about some mutant bunny chick from "Final Fantasy." FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 2:04am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

by Anonymous / 11/12/2009 at 1:27am / United States (Montana) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up next to the girl I had drunk intercourse with last night. Before we got it on, I noticed a package of birth control pills on her nightstand. Because of this, I felt no need to use a condom, or pull out. When I woke up, I noticed those "pills" were actually a makeup case. FML

by prayforme / 11/10/2009 at 8:52pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having it off in his den, I screamed at the height of my climax, and from the family room came the roaring laughter of my boyfriend's brothers. FML

by Volume_control / 11/10/2009 at 9:41am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in his bed watching football when it went to commercial. He started kissing my neck and trying to get me turned on. Then I remembered we'd be going to visit his mom soon, where we'd be playing Wii. That thought turned me on more than my boyfriend did. FML

by vanessa_d15 / 11/10/2009 at 4:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, 'You too?' FML

by ShowerheadGirl / 11/09/2009 at 2:06am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got home from a small vacation. Before I left, I set up cameras in my room to see if my roommate was stealing my money. Turns out she wasn't. However, she does borrow my personal "adult toy" whenever I'm out. FML

by grossedout / 11/08/2009 at 4:11pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy