Today, I found out my neighbor has been watching my husband and I have sex for the 2 years we've been married. He slaps his sausage and smokes 5 cigarettes while he watches. FML

by niquey62307 / 12/07/2009 at 10:36pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

by roxyriley / 12/07/2009 at 4:30am / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep with my hands down my pants. I woke up to an excruciating pain coming from my genitalea. It turns out that I was having nightmares and I squeezed my balls because I was so terrified. I popped 3 blood vessels in my scrotum and now walk with a limp. FML

by Ballhugger / 12/06/2009 at 3:42pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML

by Anon / 12/05/2009 at 9:19am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Intimacy

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

by lastalittlelonger / 12/05/2009 at 4:07am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my dad offered to take me and my sister to school because we just moved houses. On the way, he asked us why we looked so tired. We just said we were tired from moving house. Truth is, our room is right next to theirs. We heard everything. Loud and clear. FML

by Anonymous / 12/04/2009 at 7:22pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I tried to send my boyfriend a sexy picture. I took a close up picture of my face, and, trying to be sexy, had my naked body reflected on a mirror in the background. First thing he says: "Who the hell is that guy in the background?" FML

by Not-so-sexy / 12/04/2009 at 7:48am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

by Silent / 12/03/2009 at 12:50pm / United Kingdom (Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

by Anonymous / 12/03/2009 at 3:39am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

by Anonymous / 12/02/2009 at 9:37pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the bathroom and used the urinal. When I was done, I closed my zipper on my foreskin. FML

by randm1 / 12/02/2009 at 2:09pm / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

by Anonymous / 11/30/2009 at 3:35pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

by NeedHeadPhone / 11/30/2009 at 11:51am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy