Today, I decided to not go to a strip club for the second Saturday in a row, because I didn't want to appear desperate in front of the strippers. FML

by hayah / 02/21/2010 at 1:08am / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

by lost_ina_dream / 02/20/2010 at 8:21pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, after being dumped just 48 hours prior, I awoke from a night of passionate lovemaking with my ex. Last night, he came to my house, romanced me, and presented a possible future. This morning, when I got up to use the restroom, my laptop, money, and ex-boyfriend were gone. FML

by Ennui / 02/20/2010 at 2:12pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I finally got to hook up with this hot guy I'd been talking to for a few weeks. To my surprise, he was sinfully drunk when he arrives. As we were going at it, he shits on my white carpet. Now the phrase "f***ing the shit out of someone" has a brand new meaning for me. FML

by jo / 02/20/2010 at 5:47am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

by VahnSeiro / 02/20/2010 at 1:04am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, while in bed with my game obsessed girlfriend, she told me I was a "noob" in bed. FML

by anonymous / 02/19/2010 at 8:47pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend joined a group on Facebook called 'Swallow. Or it's going in your eye.' Today I also found out that my boyfriend takes Facebook groups very seriously. FML

by kit_kat14 / 02/19/2010 at 9:27am / United Kingdom (Hertford) / Intimacy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. While we were fooling around, she started squeezing my cheeks and told me I remind her of her son. FML

by Brett meek / 02/19/2010 at 2:41am / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy

Today, I lost my virginity to an ultrasound probe. FML

by kaitlin / 02/19/2010 at 1:30am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

by goldie09 / 02/18/2010 at 12:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

by noosher0990 / 02/17/2010 at 7:30pm / Intimacy

Today, my grandmother decided to tell me about her past as a prostitute. In full detail. FML

by thatssickkk / 02/17/2010 at 1:40am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

by tacolove69 / 02/16/2010 at 2:20pm / United States (California) / Intimacy