Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite" now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

by Anonymous / 08/27/2010 at 5:15am / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex in a rarely used room at school. We got carried away and found ourselves locked in. We slept there overnight. We woke up when the cleaning lady found us the next morning and were greeted by worried parents and school staff. FML

by Eeeek / 08/26/2010 at 5:17pm / Bulgaria (Varna) / Intimacy

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

by H8TR / 08/26/2010 at 9:32am / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I downloaded porn and saved it on my desktop. After watching it, I couldn't delete it, and now it is stuck on the desktop. It is a shared computer. FML

by fmylife / 08/26/2010 at 6:09am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Intimacy

Today, while watching my guinea pigs have sex, I got jealous. Yeah. It's been that long. FML

by Anonymous / 08/26/2010 at 4:15am / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy

Today, I was enjoying a nice shower in the morning. While I was massaging the shampoo out of my hair, I saw the gardener walking past my bathroom window, yelling "Good morning" and waving in my direction. My left boob politely waved back at him. FML

by AlexaSt2611 / 08/24/2010 at 8:08pm / Paraguay (Central) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend compared my boobs to a flat tire. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2010 at 3:29am / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy

Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML

by chewybarseventy / 08/24/2010 at 2:17am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

by Ahook1 / 08/23/2010 at 7:31pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

by diesel444 / 08/23/2010 at 1:05am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, I heard my mother and father having sexual intercourse, and I found out that my mother moans the same way as my girlfriend. Guess who I now think about every time my girlfriend moans? FML

by shawty / 08/22/2010 at 8:14am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

by ananomus / 08/22/2010 at 12:26am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy

Today, I took my brother and nieces to the zoo. Two of the lions at the exhibit were mating, so I said, "They're playing leap-frog." My 4-year-old niece said, "Looks like they're fucking to me." FML

by mc_dreamy / 08/21/2010 at 12:49pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Intimacy