Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

by unsatisfying / 10/28/2010 at 1:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 11:27pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

by thjeltz / 10/27/2010 at 2:48pm / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

by nothingdoes / 10/27/2010 at 1:59pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I decided to let in my new German Shepherd puppy inside to show the guest how adorable he is. In the middle of our conversation, he came running up to us with my vibrator in his mouth. FML

by Anonymous / 10/27/2010 at 3:37am / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy

Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML

by Deidle-dee / 10/26/2010 at 12:37pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend suggested we imagine each other as someone else when we had sex. I imagined he was Tom Cruise. He imagined I was my best friend. FML

by anonymous / 10/25/2010 at 5:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I found out that the only way to get my boyfriend to last more than one minute in the sack is to let him watch cartoons while we do it. FML

by shiznit / 10/25/2010 at 3:05pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML

by kimbo / 10/25/2010 at 4:28am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML

by anon / 10/25/2010 at 1:42am / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2010 at 8:36pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2010 at 3:31am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

by stickyface / 10/24/2010 at 1:18am / Canada (Manitoba) / Intimacy