Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

by RuasaLove / 07/29/2015 at 10:34pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

by oops / 07/29/2015 at 2:15am / United States / Intimacy

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

by Anonymous / 07/28/2015 at 2:44am / United States / Intimacy

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

by Anonymous / 07/27/2015 at 8:08pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

by anon / 07/27/2015 at 12:43am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

by wot02 / 07/26/2015 at 10:02pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

by strangely / 07/24/2015 at 8:12pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

by fuck / 07/24/2015 at 12:44pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

by stargate25 / 07/23/2015 at 10:33pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, while I was at home watching Netflix, my parents drunkenly stumbled through the door making out the whole time. I thought that the situation couldn't get worse, but then my Dad asked me if I had a condom they could use. FML

by oil300 / 07/22/2015 at 10:34pm / Australia (South Australia) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, while working security at my job, for the second time, a man with Down's Syndrome entered the store, went to one of the demo computers, opened YouTube, pulled up a video of oiled women wrestling and jerked off. There is no protocol in the handbook for how to deal with this scenario. FML

by Bishop423 / 07/22/2015 at 12:21am / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

by Marika / 07/20/2015 at 1:48pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I received a text with my last name spelled wrong. A short conversation revealed he got my number from me, through Tinder. I don't have an account, but he insisted he knew that I like it 'hard and rough'. He knew my first name. I still don't know how he got my phone number or name. FML

by creepedout / 07/19/2015 at 11:00pm / United States (California) / Intimacy