Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2015 at 10:23pm / Israel (Tel Aviv) / Intimacy

Today, my current boyfriend was so impressed by my blowjob abilities he sent my ex-boyfriend a message saying thanks. FML

by Anonymous / 08/11/2015 at 12:39am / Intimacy

Today, my 82-year-old great grandfather informed me that his "peeter" still works, and that most guys his age can't say the same. FML

by yamaha_313 / 08/11/2015 at 12:20am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

by Gonzales / 08/07/2015 at 3:47pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Intimacy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend, when I noticed a large piece of broccoli wedged between her teeth. I have no idea how she didn't feel it, but I couldn't stop fixating on it and started going soft. I had to cry out, fake an orgasm, then toss the condom really quickly to spare her feelings. FML

by horsefuck / 08/07/2015 at 8:51am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Intimacy

Today, I discovered that my ex-girlfriend writes erotic fiction describing all of my moves in intimate detail. The whole internet gets to critique my entire sexual repertoire. FML

by Notsurewhattofeelaboutthis / 08/06/2015 at 10:55pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 08/06/2015 at 3:37pm / Canada / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend got upset that I wouldn't give him head. He was visiting me at the hospital. FML

by TheIVkindaruinsthemood / 08/05/2015 at 2:58pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 1:56pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

by Anonymous / 08/05/2015 at 10:06am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. It got hot and intense and we were really into it, until she blurted out, "Oh baby, rub your penis against mine". FML

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

by ahhh / 08/03/2015 at 2:06am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

by Anonymous / 08/02/2015 at 1:19am / United States (California) / Intimacy