Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

by annonymous / 09/07/2015 at 4:56pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my neighbor pointed to me and said to his best friend, "This motherfucker still lives with his mama. That's why he can't get no pussy." I'm thirty. My neighbor is eleven, and correct. FML

by Anonymous / 09/06/2015 at 4:11pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend was putting baby powder on my bare ass, when his dad walked into the room, casually set a laundry basket next to the bed, and walked out like nothing happened. FML

by ManderDander / 09/05/2015 at 2:48pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 10:22pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

by natalyV / 09/04/2015 at 11:58am / Intimacy

Today, while making out in my car, the guy I was with decided it'd be a great idea to stick his tongue in my ear. He shoved it in so far that my ear still feels wet four hours later. FML

by Anonymous / 09/03/2015 at 9:30pm / Intimacy

Today, I had yet another debilitating migraine that kept me awake. In the middle of the night, I heard an owl hooting. Thinking it was cool, I moved closer to the open window to hear better. After a few minutes, I realized it was actually my new neighbor having loud sex. My aunt moved in next door. FML

by Hooty / 09/02/2015 at 5:52pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

by FuckThis / 08/31/2015 at 9:16am / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Intimacy

Today, my brother said he was cleaning his room. When I walked in, he was giving my cousin a blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 7:01pm / United States (West Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I was going down on my boyfriend when he stood up on the bed to get a different experience. I started to get aggressive and pushed him up against the wall. I forgot our bed was on wheels and the bed started sliding away and his body slid down the wall. So much for being sexy. FML

by still laughing / 08/28/2015 at 5:48pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Intimacy

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 3:54pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy

Today, I was undressing for my girlfriend. I thought I was being all smooth and sexy, until I went to sit on the side of the bed and beckon her over. Instead, I sat heavily on my balls, screamed, then fell off the bed sobbing like a girl. FML

by Anonymous / 08/25/2015 at 3:32am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was unaware that me losing my virginity was also breakup sex. FML

by Anonymous / 08/24/2015 at 2:08pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy