Today, I was sitting at my desk in school, and I was really bored. I started playing with the strings on my pants, only to realize 5 minutes later it looked like I was fondling my dick. FML

by xsnqw / 01/19/2016 at 5:28pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I had sex with a guy I met at a party and passed out in his bed. When I woke up at 3 am, he sat up and said, "You're still here?" FML

by clostar / 01/19/2016 at 3:17pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

by Anonymous / 01/19/2016 at 6:03am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Intimacy

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2016 at 1:41pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

by anon / 01/16/2016 at 6:15pm / United Kingdom (Sheffield) / Intimacy

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2016 at 1:40am / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

by Anonymous / 01/15/2016 at 11:01am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, my fiancée was asleep, so I decided to spoon her from behind and cup her boobs to wake her up nicely. She responded by yelling, "THE TOAST!" and elbowing me in the face whilst still asleep. FML

by mouse_13 / 01/15/2016 at 1:28am / United Kingdom (Oxfordshire) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2016 at 11:51pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend actually slept with one of the celebrities on her "5 celebrities we're allowed to sleep with" list. FML

by Anonymous / 01/14/2016 at 7:51am / Australia / Intimacy

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of 7 years. He thrusted as fast as rabbits. I waited years for 10 seconds. FML

by ShouldveStayedAVirgin / 01/13/2016 at 1:30pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I was out with my brother and his group of very cute friends at a Cheesecake Factory. When the server came to take our orders, she asked me what kind of sauce I liked. Like a complete fuckwit, I blurted, "I like creamy white stuff." The guy across from me choked on his water. FML

by Bex98 / 01/11/2016 at 3:17am / United States (California) / Intimacy

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I recently burned both my hands at work so I had to ask my husband for help changing my tampon, but he refused saying it would make him feel sick. This from the man who routinely sticks his tongue in my asshole when we have sex. FML

by anne / 01/07/2016 at 7:00am / Germany / Intimacy