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Today, my own breast milk has caused my sensitive skin to break out into a rash all over my chest. FML

By Itchy - / Sunday 20 May 2018 18:00 / Algeria
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By Not paid enough - / Tuesday 15 May 2018 00:00 / Canada - Ajax
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By Sleepmonster - / Friday 11 May 2018 03:00 / Australia - Saint Kilda
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Today, I brought my car into the shop because it kept picking up speed on its own and I was panicking. A mere $200 later, it turns out I didn’t put my car mat in right and it was sitting on my gas pedal. FML

By Meganbear - / Wednesday 9 May 2018 09:00 / Canada - Toronto
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By Sweetheart - / Tuesday 8 May 2018 21:00 / Canada - Edmonton
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Today, my boyfriend accused me of ruining his life by getting pregnant. Apparently, the "love of his life" has now left him, and it's all my fault. I thought we were monogamous. FML

By WhatAKeeper - / Wednesday 2 May 2018 15:00 / Denmark
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Today, 30 seconds after waking up and shuffling into the bathroom, the mother of all spiders lost its fight with gravity and fell into my lap while I was peeing. I went from 0-100 wide awake and screaming at 6am. FML

By ScaredShitless - / Tuesday 1 May 2018 00:30 / United Kingdom - Sheffield
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By CatHater - / Friday 27 April 2018 02:30 / Israel - Tel Aviv
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  Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your ass hairs were so long before." FML

By dereksboo44 - / Wednesday 25 April 2018 23:00 / Canada - Brantford
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Today, I checked my e-mail after being sick for over a week to see that I missed an important email. It said I got the job I applied for, if I responded to the message within 48 hours. FML

By sassy666 - / Monday 23 April 2018 10:00 / Canada - Whitehorse
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Today, I woke up to find out that last night I got extremely drunk, dumped my boyfriend of 3 years, bought a female ostrich, named it Frederic, and confessed my undying love for it via YouTube. FML

By Fml4evr - / Sunday 22 April 2018 00:30 / United Kingdom
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By no handouts! - / Saturday 21 April 2018 21:00 / Philippines - San Pedro
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Today, I have to clear up after an orgy from last night. That would be bad enough, but I spent weeks arranging it, supplied the venue and everything else, and I was the only guy not to get laid. FML

By Frustrated - / Thursday 19 April 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, based on the significant time I spend at work, my phone is automatically labeling my work destination as my home destination and my home destination as my workplace. FML

By MKfml - / Friday 13 April 2018 12:00 / Canada - Toronto
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By Bbpoor - / Tuesday 10 April 2018 19:30 / Canada - Waterloo
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Today, I was incredibly bored during a long bus journey, so I played chess against my e-book reader. On the lowest difficulty. I lost 27 times in a row. FML

By Kotlopou - / Tuesday 10 April 2018 19:00 / Czech Republic - Prague
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By Si123 - / Tuesday 10 April 2018 00:30 / United Kingdom - Renfrew
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By UnComfortablyNumb - / Thursday 5 April 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom - Hatfield
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Today I found out my university incorrectly calculated my GPA. The threshold for the Ph.D. scholarship was 2.69, and I had a 2.68, so I did not get the scholarship. My new GPA is 3.34. FML

By Anonymous - / Sunday 1 April 2018 01:00 / China - Xiamen
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By Anonymous - / Friday 30 March 2018 04:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, I tried to remove my contact lens, but it wouldn't budge. Turns out I was pulling on my cornea. I now have a pool of blood in my eye. FML

By Seeing Red - / Wednesday 28 March 2018 13:00 / Canada - Millbrook
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By Broken Heart Girl - / Monday 26 March 2018 10:00 / Canada - New Glasgow
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By Andy - / Monday 26 March 2018 01:30 / Germany - W?rselen
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Today, I called in sick at work and went to the bar, only to find out that my manager has a second job there. I am now jobless. FML

By lolbahadur - / Friday 16 March 2018 14:00 / Australia
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By Anonymous - / Thursday 15 March 2018 15:00 / Spain - Marbella
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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 13 March 2018 14:00 / United Kingdom
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Today, my colleague Skyped me to tell me my tampon string was hanging out my shorts. I had just come from lunch with 5 other colleagues. FML

By Frenchiesaffa - / Monday 12 March 2018 20:00 / South Africa - Durban
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Today, I learned that when airport security jokes that he's going to eat your box of donuts, you should not then joke back that he shouldn’t "because the powdered sugar is really cocaine". FML

By You won’t believe what happened next - / Saturday 10 March 2018 01:30 / Denmark
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By Anonymous - / Friday 9 March 2018 15:00 / Denmark
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Today, after installing a clapper in our bedroom, my wife and I had some rough sex and the lights went on and off. That's how we found out about her seizures. FML

By Mr. Brink - / Friday 9 March 2018 06:10 / Austria - Wilhelmsburg