FML : Kids, Your everyday life stories

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 24 April 2018 15:00 /

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

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By jello_bellied_snack_snapper - / Monday 23 April 2018 16:00 /

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

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By BeachBummer - / Saturday 21 April 2018 19:00 /

World

Philippines

Today, my mom gave me a severe scolding because I refuse to support my 3 sisters, and support 3 "home-wreckers" instead. They are my daughters, who are 3, 5, and 7 years old. My sisters are 25, 28, and 31 years old, and won't get jobs because they are "too important". FML

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You deserved it

By no handouts! - / Saturday 21 April 2018 21:00 / Philippines - San Pedro

Today, I've been dating my boyfriend for 6 years. I've had a really bad week and am feeling depressed, and he knows this. He's also just decided to tell me he has a two-month-old daughter. We do not have an open relationship. FML

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By Fucked4life - / Wednesday 18 April 2018 20:30 /

Today, at my job as a 2nd grade teacher, I was explaining to my students how I'm pregnant and will have to take a break from teaching after I have my baby. One of my students replied with "Ooooooooohhh Ms. Johnson had sex!" FML

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By Acu7519 - / Monday 16 April 2018 15:00 /

Today, during my daughter's 8th birthday at a skating rink, a family showed up that didn't RSVP. The mother brought all 3 of her kids and left them at the party alone. She didn't feed them lunch and they followed me around the whole time asking for money. FML

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You deserved it

By Stephanie Peugh - / Sunday 15 April 2018 19:30 / United States - Loudonville

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

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By rita - / Sunday 15 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 12 April 2018 15:00 /

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 12 April 2018 05:00 /

Today, I secretly turned off the internet to see what my kids would do. Barely 10 minutes later, I caught my oldest son masturbating to a photo of my sister in a bikini because, as he put it, "A man has needs and the internet's fucked." FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 11 April 2018 06:00 /

Today, being a divorced dad, I had a very important job opportunity for which I would be gone overnight. When I returned, I found my son locked in his room while the babysitter was having sex with a man in my bed. FML

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You deserved it

By Parent - / Sunday 8 April 2018 23:00 / United States - Elkhart

Kinky.

Today, after I got fed up and told my bullying step-brother exactly what I thought of him, he became overly polite. He then admitted that me shouting at him was the most turned on he's ever been in his life. Now he loves me and wants to be my "submissive" boyfriend. FML

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You deserved it

By Therapy needed urgently - / Sunday 8 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, it took me four tries to find the right position to swipe my debit card. My mom screamed "Oh, for God's sake, why don't you ever get it right the FIRST time?" She then apologized to the cashier for having "such a stupid child". FML

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You deserved it

By asdfghjkl - / Saturday 7 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

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You deserved it

By best breast - / Friday 6 April 2018 00:00 /

Today, my mother stopped speaking to me because I won’t let her babysit anymore. Her idea of babysitting is to sit my daughter alone with a tablet and a pile of sugary junk food for 7 hours straight. FML

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By badsitter - / Thursday 5 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 4 April 2018 01:30 /

Today, after 38 years of never meeting my dad, and paying a private investigator thousands of pounds over several weeks of searching, I found him living 2 floors down in the same block of flats. He’s the grouchy downstairs neighbour I’ve hated for 6 years FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 3 April 2018 15:00 /

Today, my 5-year-old son made a drawing of our living room, with the addition of an apparition and the text, "I can see you. Daddy doesn't see you. Who are you?" FML

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You deserved it

By Justinthebox - / Monday 2 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

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You deserved it

By anamanaguchi - / Saturday 31 March 2018 01:30 /

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

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You deserved it

By otherdad? - / Friday 30 March 2018 19:00 /

Today, my girlfriend named our daughter Aspen. Ass. Pen. When I hear her name I will always think of a pen in a butthole. No doubt her future classmates will too. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 25 March 2018 19:00 /

shrinks into corner

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

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You deserved it

By Ally - / Saturday 24 March 2018 05:00 /

Today, my psycho ex is threatening to take me to court on child abuse allegations. How did I abuse them? I “gendered” our children by buying them certain colored clothing and toys... that they’d asked for. FML

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You deserved it

By baddaddy - / Friday 23 March 2018 01:30 /

Call CPS!

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

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You deserved it

By Daddo - / Tuesday 20 March 2018 14:00 / United States - Elkhart

Today, as I was perusing old photos with my mother, I found one of her with a "childhood friend" at her wedding to my dad. Now I know where my green eyes and blotchy neck birthmark came from, and it's not from the man I’ve been calling "dad" for 40 years. FML

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You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 18 March 2018 15:00 /

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

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You deserved it

By jbhadafuckedupday - / Thursday 15 March 2018 01:30 /

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

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You deserved it

By boobmilk - / Thursday 8 March 2018 06:00 / United States - Hesperia

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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You deserved it

By Stressed out mom - / Wednesday 7 March 2018 01:30 /

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

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You deserved it

By Stupid - / Thursday 1 March 2018 15:00 /

FML

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FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she...

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back....

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel...

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Nearly

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the...

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Today, I was painting and I had a cup to rinse the brushes in and a cup of water for drinking... and I drank out of the wrong cup. I've had the shits ever...

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Canada

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your...

Canada

Today, I checked my e-mail after being sick for over a week to see that I missed an important email. It said I got the job I applied for, if I responded...

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Photos

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Spicy

Canada

Today, I was laying naked, face down across our bed when I asked my husband to crack my back. He quickly replied with, "Holy! I never realized that your...

Today, I drove 2 hours to spend the night with a man who I have been seeing for a few weeks. We had sex for the first time. About an hour later, he told...

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Freaky.

Kinky.

*shrinks into corner*

Call CPS!

Incognito IRL

FML: Uncensored

FML's Christmas Bingo!

shrinks into corner