FML : Kids, Your everyday life stories

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Birdman - / Saturday 23 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By finalfantasy - / Thursday 21 June 2018 17:30 / United States - Aurora

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Thursday 21 June 2018 19:00 /

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Good morning to you all - / Wednesday 20 June 2018 20:30 /

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 June 2018 19:00 /

Everyone's a Critic

Today, I was playing some children's music while I cooked so my two-year-old was entertained a little. I started dancing while cooking and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mama... Don't dance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Kitten - / Tuesday 19 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By off the family - / Sunday 17 June 2018 20:30 /

World

Canada

Today, I got slapped by a woman standing in front of me in line after a little kid grabbed her butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By FFAce - / Saturday 16 June 2018 13:00 / Canada - Toronto

Today, the AC broke in the car I bought brand new last August. My 3.5-year-old hates wind, even from the sunroof being open, and there's no fix for the "manufacturing defect" so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Mom2boysonly - / Friday 15 June 2018 20:30 /

World

Estonia

Today, I was having a casual conversation with my sister, who is fifteen. I don't know what's worse: the fact that she told me she went to a website where sugar daddies look for sugar babies, or that she found our biological father on there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Maya - / Friday 15 June 2018 16:00 / Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Mommabear - / Friday 15 June 2018 01:30 /

World

United Kingdom

Today, my son had been grinning like a damn fool all day. When I tried to take a bath, I realised why. The idiot put superglue on the inside of my prosthetic leg this morning and I didn’t notice for nearly 15 hours. I can’t get the damn thing off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Wednesday 13 June 2018 00:30 / United Kingdom - Morecambe

World

United Kingdom

Today, I spent a good 20 minutes cleaning the massive shopfront window of my work outside in the scorching heat, only to watch some kid drag his sweaty, sticky hand all the way along it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By anonymous - / Tuesday 12 June 2018 18:00 / United Kingdom - London

World

New Zealand

Runt of the Litter

Today, in front of my 6 brothers, my mother told me I had the smallest penis at birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By junkjunkie - / Monday 11 June 2018 11:30 / New Zealand - Tauranga

Today, I ended up in the hospital due to a severe acid reflux attack. I knew I had acid reflux for years, but was never allowed to get it checked out. Why? My dad told me I was too young to have it and that I was making it up. I now have to see a specialist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 10 June 2018 15:00 /

Smart kid.

Today, at 2 in the afternoon, I walked in on my 6-year-old making coffee. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "You were being grumpy, and you said coffee makes you not so grumpy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By my_way_1213 - / Saturday 9 June 2018 20:30 /

Today, at school, I offered my friend $5 to climb up a tree and jumped off. I was already having a hard day and just wanted a bit of a laugh. What I didn't expect was to end up in the hospital with a broken arm because my friend jumped on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Loser - / Friday 8 June 2018 01:30 /

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By married to a nerd - / Thursday 7 June 2018 20:30 /

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Carolyn Dee Humphrey - / Thursday 7 June 2018 01:30 /

Today, I’m still trying desperately to explain to my boyfriend why I’m not interested in any kind of breast or nipple play. I gave birth to our son just 2 months ago and I strictly breastfeed. He insists it’s "not fair" that the baby gets the breasts all the time. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By boobs are for baby - / Tuesday 5 June 2018 11:30 / United States - Hesperia

Today, my mom walked out on me, abandoning her 16-year-old and taking $100 and a dog, all because I refused to wear women's panties. I would have been perfectly fine wearing them if I weren't a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By disappointment - / Tuesday 5 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 3 June 2018 12:00 / United States - Bellevue

Today, I finally came out to my dad, who is a priest, as gay. He responded by splashing me with holy water to "banish the demon within" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 3 June 2018 06:00 / United States - Peoria

Today, my mother knocked on the door of my room at 7am. I am currently over 300 miles from home, on a vacation to get away from my overbearing family. I told none of them where I was going. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Sunday 3 June 2018 01:30 /

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By lindaf - / Saturday 2 June 2018 20:30 /

Today, my parents woke me up and grounded me for the "disrespectful" things I said to them in my sleep. Apparently I say these things every night, and each time I do they extend the grounding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By minikat - / Saturday 2 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of four years. She took the opportunity to tell me that she's pregnant. With my half-brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Daddy_issues - / Saturday 2 June 2018 05:00 /

Charming...

Today, my toddler is starting to realize when she has a dirty diaper. How do I know? She walked up to me with a shit covered hand, saying "Poop Mommy! Poop!!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Anonymous - / Friday 1 June 2018 15:00 /

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By ShamefulShoop - / Thursday 31 May 2018 19:00 /

Baby New Year?

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

By Fiona the Deceived - / Wednesday 30 May 2018 19:00 /

FML

The Top

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It...

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she...

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend a few years after I slept with his boss and got him fired. He is now a multi-millionaire investor and won't take me back....

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel...

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Nearly

Today, my mom got angry at me for "Spending too much time on the internet". I've already explained to her that I'm working on a story and publishing it...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

Today, my 75 year old Father-in law was showing me some online images of his hometown when the safari app suddenly decided to display LARGE thumbnails...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

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World

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Canada

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

Today, my new colleagues discovered the videos I did in college when I was short of money and didn't know they would end up online. My friend even asked...

Spain

Today, I found out I have oral and genital herpes as well as genital warts. I'm a 15-year-old virgin. I don't know how this happened. FML

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Photos

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Spicy

South Africa

Today, I came back from college excited to see my parents and enjoy a nice home-cooked meal, but as I walked in the front door I was greeted by my parents...

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed...

I agree, your life sucks

You deserved it

See all the Spicy FMLs

Everyone's a Critic

Runt of the Litter

Smart kid.

Charming...

*cringe intensifies*

Baby New Year?

FML: Uncensored

Desperate times call for desperate measures!

FML's Christmas Bingo!

cringe intensifies