Today, on a whim I shaved the quite large beard I've maintained for over 20 years. My wife is now furious and has put a permanent stop on any bedroom antics until her "cuddly teddy bear" returns. Only a year to go till its back to normal. FML
Today I was taking care of the general public as a first aider in a massive event. Since the temperature was high, we were expecting many of the - relatively older than middle aged - women to collapse of heat exhaustion and need to be treated. I didn't realise I would be one of those affected. FML.
Today, me and a friend took her fancy new car out to the beach in the middle of nowhere. Her electronic car keys slipped out of her pocket and fried in a puddle of salt water... Neither of us have a cell and it's a 4hr walk. The buses don't run in this area. FML
Today, my parents came back from their holiday and we're constantly asking about "the girl I had over". They thought so, because of the two wine glasses in the dishwasher. I didn't have anyone over. I just got drunk two nights in a row and was too lazy to clean the first one. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my boyfriend and his parents. I mentioned that I had been gaining weight and his dad said he didn't know where it all went because I'm still skinny. My boyfriend responded with "her boobs and her butt." His dads response? "Oh, titties getting bigger eh?" FML.
Today, my friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding! Last week, I spent 3 months savings to buy a plane ticket to visit family. The ticket is not refundable or transferrable. Do I spend 1 month's savings to buy a new ticket to fly back early, or miss it? FML
Today, my husband and I were talking to my mother about the air conditioning in our home. When my mother left our room, I saw my husband put down something he was playing with during the talk. It was the new vibrator he bought for me today. FML
Today, I found out I wasn't put on the schedule for work. Why? When I called the manager, he asked me why I didn't show up to work. I wasn't informed when he changed the schedule since I only work two days of week. I told him I took a picture as evidence but he wouldn't listen. I need this job. FML.
Today, I had the day off, so I spent it cleaning our apartment and cooking my girlfriend's favorite meal, hoping to spend time with her. When she walked in, she said "oh," wolfed her food down, and left to hang out with her friends. FML
Today my line manager asked me whether I had insomnia after reporting work progress to the big boss. I honestly answered "not at all" and I was surprised that she had. Then she assumed that I didn't care much about my job and warned me that I might get fired. FML
Today, we had a substitute teacher teach. We were doing attendance check and I hear my name get called. Now, my real name is sort of boyish, but it's spelt differently. I put my hand up, and in a rude voice, the teacher mumbles, seemingly loud enough for me says, "OH IT'S A GIRL." FML
Today, after getting off early from my serving shift, I was having a beer at the bar with my manager. An hour later it got extremely busy and our only server on was overwhelmed. I clocked back on, took a lot of tables, closed the restaurant, then got fired. Why? "No drinking before a shift." FML
Today,my dog left his squeaky stuffed toy in the paddock & my horse got ahold of it. The very loud & obnoxious squeaky toy.He won't stop.I can't get it away from him.Ever try arguing with a 1500lb stallion?It's been 6hrs & the noise hasn't stopped yet and shows no sign of doing so soon.FML
Today, I have tapeworms. I don't eat meat and couldn't figure out how I'd gotten them. Then I remembered the messy 2 week old foster kittens I had for a few days two months ago. They were too young to be wormed while I had them. FML
Today my girlfriend asked me to babysit her sick, aged dog while she goes vacationing with another man. Yesterday she chose the time during a doctor ordered interview assessing my mental health to inform me of this holiday plan. FML.
Today, at work, I accidentally spilled an entire tray of cauliflower on the floor. My boss's solution when I told her was to "rinse it off and put it back." When I tried telling her why that wasn't sanitary. she threatened to fire me. FML.
Today I got on the same train I always do to go to work, settled my bicycle in the corner and the doors locked. Then the announcer says it's the fast train into London not the one going 2 stops down the line I was expecting it to be and my commute has just tripled in length. Fml
Today, I thought I heard a large bird outside hit my window, and didn't think much of it. Later, I got a call from my neighbour. It wasn't anything close to a bird, it was in fact one of my shingles falling off my roof. FML