FML : Kids, Your everyday life stories

Today, we did icebreakers at a summer program. I'm really awkward but I got paired with a really nice guy. I noticed his right hand was very soft, so I joked, "Do you only moisturize one hand?" Then I understood. Then he understood that I understood. We're partners all week. FML

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By cperagui - / Thursday 19 July 2018 19:00 /

Happy birthday?

Today, I picked up a birthday card for my dad at the supermarket in a mad rush. I didn’t realise that the inside said “From your daughter”. He thinks this was my way of coming out as trans, and said that he suspected it for years. FML

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By Not really - / Thursday 19 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, my boyfriend and I announced to my son and his daughter that they'll have a half-sibling soon. His daughter was stunned, and my son disgustedly went: "No! No! NO! Your unemployment and his disability checks aren't even enough to pay for the bills of this house!" He's 14. FML

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By jealousy much? - / Wednesday 18 July 2018 19:00 /

Today, my brother gave me a massive rope burn. He got a 30-second talk with our mother. I got an allergic reaction to the lotion used to ease the pain. My mother said I was overreacting. FML

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By Puggle1019 - / Tuesday 17 July 2018 20:30 /

Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML

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By TiredHomeowner - / Monday 16 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, I went to a Christmas-themed amusement park with my 21-year-old autistic sister who adores Christmas. She took her picture with Santa and started crying happy tears. Then Santa asked her loudly, "Aren't you beyond old enough to know I'm not real?" Vacation ruined. FML

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By MerryChristmas - / Sunday 15 July 2018 14:30 / United States - Moore

Cropped Out

Today, my cousins cropped me out of a picture of all 6 of us at a wedding, then captioned it, "We have such a good-looking family!" FML

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By steph - / Sunday 15 July 2018 09:00 / United States

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 14 July 2018 20:30 /

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

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By Samantha Glennie - / Friday 13 July 2018 20:30 /

Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

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By cat cat - / Friday 13 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML

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By Eheath12Jheath14 - / Thursday 12 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, it's my birthday. I am a triplet. In my first class, everyone sang happy birthday to my sister. Her friends got her balloons too. My other sister's friends got her flowers. Everyone forgot I was their sister and all of my own friends forgot that it was my birthday. FML

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By Forgotten Birthday Girl - / Wednesday 11 July 2018 20:30 /

Supreme Betrayal

Today, I discovered that my family routinely waits until after my bedtime to order a pepperoni pizza, my favorite food. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm 17 and still have a strictly enforced bedtime. FML

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By chocobo - / Wednesday 11 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, my Dad gave me my birthday card. The envelope was blank, as was the card, and the £0.25 price tag was still on. He was fully aware of all these things, but handed it to me and said, "By the way, I didn't write anything." Happy birthday to me. FML

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By Happy Birthday - / Tuesday 10 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, in my role as a social worker, I was ordered by the court to take a very pregnant, petite 15-year-old for a prenatal exam. I am an adult male. As she waddled into her appointment, I turned to see hate-filled stares in the entire waiting room. FML

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By Sabre - / Tuesday 10 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, I told my grandmother I was planning a trip to take my newborn son to meet his great-great-grandfather before it was too late. She had a guilty expression on her face. My great-grandfather died 4 months ago and my family forgot to tell me. FML

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By avocadopurse - / Monday 9 July 2018 19:00 /

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - / Monday 9 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, I found out that my ex let my son eat nothing but cereal and milk for every single meal during his five-day visit. Now my son shrieks, cries, and has a meltdown if I try to make him eat real food. My ex merely replied, "Your problem now." FML

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By cereal mom - / Saturday 7 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, I told my parents that I am a smoker. My mother started crying, and said she worried I was gay, but this is almost as bad. That leads on to part two of my confessions... FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 5 July 2018 19:00 /

Today, I finally got over a long bout of constipation. I was scared to ask my mom for laxatives because I had the feeling she would tell all her friends, but on the 6th day of absolutely no bowel movements, I caved. I later overheard my mom telling all her friends. FML

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By firegirl - / Thursday 5 July 2018 15:00 /

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 4 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, I found out I'm 9 weeks pregnant. I got on Facebook to message my baby daddy, but was stopped in my tracks by his mugshot plastered all over my news feed for an alleged meth distribution investigation. He was already on parole. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 3 July 2018 01:30 /

Today, it's my birthday. I went downstairs expecting birthday greetings from my parents. Instead, they just sat on the couch saying nothing. Thinking they forgot, I casually reminded them. My mom scoffed and said, "Go do the dishes." FML

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By amy - / Saturday 30 June 2018 19:00 /

Today, I made a cheese quesadilla and some grapes for my lunch. My mom saw, snatched the plate away from me, and threw the food away because those foods don't "go together". FML

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By bobthereaper - / Wednesday 27 June 2018 11:00 / United States - Aurora

Today, I went to my son's final band performance. I also have a busy toddler, so I ended up watching most of the performance in the hallway on a tv monitor. In the middle of the awards ceremony, my toddler pulled the fire alarm. Everyone had to evacuate the building. FML

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By Jaymz - / Tuesday 26 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML

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By Birdman - / Saturday 23 June 2018 15:00 /

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

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By finalfantasy - / Thursday 21 June 2018 17:30 / United States - Aurora

Today, after months of trying for a baby and telling me how he wants a family and can't wait to have a kid with me, my boyfriend was relieved when I got a negative home test, saying he's not ready for kids yet. I took another test this morning. I'm pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 21 June 2018 19:00 /

Today, since my dad decided he's tired of not being completely comfortable in his own home, he now wears only a knee-length robe without underwear so he can "really enjoy the breeze". I've seen more balls in a few days than a pro baseball player does his entire career. FML

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By Good morning to you all - / Wednesday 20 June 2018 20:30 /

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 19 June 2018 19:00 /

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Canada

Today, I refilled a water glass I'd left out on the counter and took a long drink. At the end, I felt something spongy and panicked. When I spit it all...

Austria

Today, I returned from a job abroad and saw my twin brother for the first time in six months. He greeted me with words of true brotherly love: "You've...

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Photos

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Spicy

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum...

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Today, I had to awkwardly explain in a conference with HR, management, and my coworkers that the occasional bruises, cuts, welts, and choke marks are from...

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Happy birthday?

Cropped Out

Supreme Betrayal

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