FML : Holidays, Your everyday life stories

Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML

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By BeachBummer - / Saturday 21 April 2018 19:00 /

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By Anonymous - / Wednesday 18 April 2018 15:00 /

Today, I bought a tail for my girlfriend to dress as a cat at a hen party. She put the box in her suitcase, then left to catch her plane. I checked my purchase history and realised it's a cat tail butt plug. Now she keeps ringing me, but I'm too chicken to answer the phone. FML

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By Honest mistake - / Wednesday 18 April 2018 05:00 /

Today, I realised yesterday was my 30th birthday. What made it worse is that my parents forgot, along with my other relatives and friends. No cards, no texts, no calls, no Facebook messages. Nothing. Happy 30th to me. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 14 April 2018 15:00 /

Today, after a year of saving up and travelling for 14 hours, we were denied entrance at the Indian border because there was a rip in my boyfriend's passport. The reason for the rip? He used one of the pages to roll a joint. FML

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Doortje Say more :

Follow up! We flew home together. To be honest, it didn't even occur to me to go without him. It was a very weird and stressful situation, badly handled by the Indian authorities. I was DEFINITELY pissed off, and spoke the words "That'd better have been the best fucking high of your fucking life". But I also knew that he'd used his passport for this purpose when he was 19 (we were 25 at the...

By Doortje - / Monday 9 April 2018 17:11 / United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

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By best breast - / Friday 6 April 2018 00:00 /

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By andrew - / Wednesday 4 April 2018 06:00 /

Close-Knit Family

Today, I finally met my girlfriend's family. When it was time for dinner, I was sent upstairs to get her brother. When I walked in, he was laid out on his bed getting a rimjob from his cousin. FML

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By Bleached_Eyes - / Monday 2 April 2018 00:00 / United States - Pikesville

Today, I saw that my biological father took his 2 favorite daughters on a luxury cruise to celebrate his birthday. I didn't find out until the pictures were posted. FML

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By 3rdWheel1stBorn - / Friday 23 March 2018 19:00 /

Today, after my flight arrived late, I ran 60 gates to get my connecting flight. I sprinted up to the gate agent, completely out of breath, and he looked at me, shut the door, and said, “The door is shut. You’re too late.” FML

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By it's v - / Saturday 17 March 2018 08:00 / United States - Denver

Today, on my way back from a family trip, my fiancé informed me via text that he'd been cheating on me for years and that he'd moved out of our house and left the state. He blocked me before I could respond. We were together for 7 years. FML

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By Anonymous - / Sunday 11 March 2018 19:00 /

Incognito IRL

Today, my daughter confessed that she’s pregnant from a one-night stand with some guy she met on vacation in Florida a few months ago. The dirtbag never told her his last name and the phone number he gave her was fake. FML

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By Stressed out mom - / Wednesday 7 March 2018 01:30 /

World

Today, my girlfriend went out on a date with someone else. We're in Spain on a trip together, but apparently we're all done and she's seeing this person for the time we are here. I still have 10 more days. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 27 February 2018 09:00 / Spain

Today, I discovered the terrible things my parents say about my wife while visiting them. They speak in Arabic around us and I've never really been able to understand them. Guess who hasn't only brushed up on his Arabic, but spent the last 6 months teaching his wife. FML

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By familyfued - / Saturday 17 February 2018 01:30 /

World

Today, I'm traveling halfway around the world to see my long-distance boyfriend. Today, he informed me that he took the wrong days off from work and will not be joining me. FML

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By Flyyyy - / Friday 26 January 2018 01:30 / Italy - Lissone

Today, I was left at home alone while my friends went on a trip to Paris I paid for. FML

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By Anonymous - / Thursday 25 January 2018 12:00 / United States - Papillion

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

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By Better not - / Wednesday 24 January 2018 20:00 / United States - Kenai

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By catwithwatermelononhead - / Sunday 21 January 2018 19:00 /

World

Today, I was cleaning up the kitchen after a nice cozy dinner with my boyfriend at his parents' country house. I picked up the bottle of olive oil we'd used for cooking and spotted two dead mice in it. FML

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By Lisbeth - / Sunday 7 January 2018 19:30 / Canada - Mascouche

Today, after having been off due to the holidays, I awoke to several missed calls and texts from my supervisor asking where I was. Fearing losing my job, I drove the entire 2-hour commute thinking I’d missed a day. I hadn't; he was just trying to get my weekly reports early. FML

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By Anonymous - / Saturday 6 January 2018 19:00 /

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By shaggyberaddy - / Friday 5 January 2018 05:00 /

World

Today, I took it upon myself to treat my wife to the sights of London. Big Ben was being renovated, London Eye had no tickets left, and it rained all day. FML

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By Inam Junichi Petrache Mahmood - / Friday 5 January 2018 00:30 / United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

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By Catpiss - / Wednesday 3 January 2018 16:30 / United States - San Bernardino

Today, I had my first glass of red wine after months of pregnancy and giving birth. Just as I sat down and started to relax, I spilled it all over myself and my in-law’s couch. FML

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By LucyLollipop - / Wednesday 3 January 2018 15:00 /

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 2 January 2018 22:00 / United States - Lyons

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By Wellpoo - / Tuesday 2 January 2018 19:00 /

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

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By Robert - / Monday 1 January 2018 20:00 / United States - Anchorage

Today, I gave my friend a $5 VR set that I purchased from the dollar store for Christmas. I received a $60 gift card. Later, I realized I left the receipt in the package. FML

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By Cheapo - / Wednesday 27 December 2017 19:00 /

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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By Anonymous - / Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:30 / United States - New Bremen

Today, my Christmas present from my boyfriend was chlamydia. FML

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By imgoingtofreakout - / Tuesday 26 December 2017 19:00 /

Happy birthday !

JustOverAverage

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