Today, my wife's parents came over insisting they saw me at the bar at 130pm. Talked to me, and that I left with another woman. I was at work all day, no idea what they are talking about, I've never done this. She doesn't believe me. FML.
Today I confronted my girlfriend about the fact that I thought she was sleeping with our attractive neighbour. Apparently, the only reason she was spending so much time at her house was to build a tandem bicycle for my birthday. I made her ruin the surprise. FML
Today I spent 7 hours in an emergency room for a progressively deteriorating case of mononucleosis. After blood work for a more serious health issue is done, cant find keys, keys are locked in car, I'm on medical leave and can't afford the locksmith due to no income from the unknown illness. #FML
Today, after a few drinks I had to do a beer run, I couldn't get why everyone behind me was honking and flashing their lights at me and being jackasses while I was already doing 5 over...turns out I had switched the car to km/h. Instead of doing 50mph in a 45, I was actually doing 30 in a 45! FML
today, I found out that my "best friend" of the last seven years, is actually my stalker, and has been telling all my other friends I hate them so I don't have anyone to distract me from her. I never questioned it until she tried it on the only friend that asked why I hated her.
Today, I am so broke that I had to choose between washing dishes with the last of my dish soap, or taking a shower with it. I now smell like moldy oatmeal, and won't have to worry about shedding. Another benefit to having a dog! FML
Today, after an hour long interview and almost an entire day of waiting to hear that I'd been promoted to a part time position at my job, I was told they had instead hired an outside worker because I didn't interview well enough. I've worked there for over 2 and a half years. FML.
Today and yesterday I was bitched at for not turning the light off in the bathroom at work after taking a shit. The exhaust fan turns on with the light. I clearly do not like people sniffing my shit, yet this other individual is escalating the issue for the hell of it. fml
Today, I had to do a project for my english class, which was to recreate a scene from Romeo and Juliet, but modernly. I texted myself the conversation from a romantic scene and presented it in class. I forgot to delete the texts, and my bf saw them. He now thinks I have a lover named Romeo. FML
Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML
Today, my friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding! Last week, I spent 3 months savings to buy a plane ticket to visit family. The ticket is not refundable or transferrable. Do I spend 1 month's savings to buy a new ticket to fly back early, or miss it? FML
Today, my husband and I were talking to my mother about the air conditioning in our home. When my mother left our room, I saw my husband put down something he was playing with during the talk. It was the new vibrator he bought for me today. FML
Today, I found out I wasn't put on the schedule for work. Why? When I called the manager, he asked me why I didn't show up to work. I wasn't informed when he changed the schedule since I only work two days of week. I told him I took a picture as evidence but he wouldn't listen. I need this job. FML.
Today, I had the day off, so I spent it cleaning our apartment and cooking my girlfriend's favorite meal, hoping to spend time with her. When she walked in, she said "oh," wolfed her food down, and left to hang out with her friends. FML