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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, as I was standing in line at the checkout, the elderly guy in front turned around and said quietly to me, "Sometimes I shit my pants." He then nodded grimly and turned back around, hitting me with the full force of the stench now coming from his pants. FML

#21158187
66 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42512) - you deserved it (3649)

On 05/31/2014 at 12:39pm - health - by half-dead in CA (man) - United States (California)

Today, freshly dumped and at a bar, I focussed my attention on trying to stand in such a way that I looked like an attractive, alluring, confident person. Apparently I forgot how to successfully stand upright and sprained my ankle. FML

#21157984
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36748) - you deserved it (9229)

On 05/31/2014 at 5:13am - health - by jjcod (woman) - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

#21154853
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38901) - you deserved it (5564)

On 05/28/2014 at 4:33pm - health - by angelamegan21 - United States (Florida)

Today, I saw the hottest nurse ever. Too bad he was pulling out a piece of wax the size of a raisin from my blocked ear. FML

#21154073
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41501) - you deserved it (7617)

On 05/27/2014 at 11:23pm - health - by idk - United States (Virginia)

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

#21153823
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38013) - you deserved it (3981)

On 05/27/2014 at 8:13pm - health - by cc13799 - United States (New York)

Today, I deliberately didn't tell my therapist half of what I was going through because I didn't want to depress her. FML

#21153742
109 comments

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

#21153372
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38922) - you deserved it (6862)

On 05/27/2014 at 1:04pm - health - by fuckmuppet (man) - United Kingdom (Oxfordshire)

Today, I was cooking dinner for my children, managing for once not to screw up and hurt myself. Then, while chopping vegetables, I accidentally sliced my finger open. The same finger that was still covered in juice from a lemon I'd just squeezed. FML

#21151195
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42072) - you deserved it (6884)

On 05/25/2014 at 1:35pm - health - by 5p4571k (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I had a spur of the moment idea to go have my nose pierced. The piercer made sure to tell me how easily the little stud could get caught or hung up. I spent all day stressing over it only to scratch my nose and rip it out. Now I have a $40 bleeding hole in my nose. FML

#21149883
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21241) - you deserved it (33041)

On 05/24/2014 at 2:08am - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to inform a patient that she has an STD. She reacted by kicking me in the nuts. FML

#21140637
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49668) - you deserved it (4447)

On 05/15/2014 at 1:08pm - health - by bruised_scrotum - South Africa (Gauteng)

Today, I took a pregnancy test because I'd missed a few periods, gained weight, and been moody. Turns out I'm just fat and moody. FML

#21139495
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46309) - you deserved it (10491)

On 05/14/2014 at 9:12am - health - by thanks4support - United States (Ohio)

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

#21138987
129 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22301) - you deserved it (64294)

On 05/13/2014 at 7:46pm - health - by ShutTheFuCupcake (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I got a new dentist. You know how most dentists play soft, relaxing music? Well this guy seems to like rap a lot, and it's kinda hard getting your teeth cleaned to the sound of bullets going off. FML

#21131626
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38740) - you deserved it (4261)

On 05/05/2014 at 5:51pm - health - by randomusername99 - United States (New York)



Zach Stafford's illustrated FML

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  • Zach's illustrated FML
  • Everybody's talking about Ebola at the moment. I have trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I'm going to wait until Christmas and see what special offers turn up in the shops, under funky new names…

Friday 17 October 2014

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