Today, my sister called after she found out I was hospitalized with surgery complications. Worried about me? Wondering if I'm okay? Nope. Just mad that I texted her an update rather than calling. I didn't call because I had surgery on my throat and can't speak. FML

by nothealthy / 03/29/2016 at 12:51am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, in an attempt to be more healthy, I made myself a large fruit smoothie. I didn't think it could or would cause me to practically shart my rectum out my ass for the rest of the afternoon. The more you know. FML

by Anonymous / 03/25/2016 at 12:05pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to the doctor's after over a week of feeling extremely tired and having headaches. His advice? "When I'm tired I drink coffee. You should drink coffee." Somehow, I don't think that was worth $60. FML

by Anonymous / 03/24/2016 at 11:14pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, my brother and I got food poisoning because of the shady chicken subs we ate last night. Our mom thinks we're faking it and sent us to school anyway. I'm coming to you live from a school toilet while missing a test. FML

by goddamn chicken subs / 03/24/2016 at 12:51pm / United States / Health

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 12:06pm / United States (Nebraska) / Health

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

by Anonymous / 03/23/2016 at 10:36am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I was in the gym waiting for my boyfriend while he played racquetball. I had to listen to old men talk about their prostates for 15 minutes. FML

by Kelly1995 / 03/21/2016 at 4:20pm / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I've been awake for 4 days. My doctor recently put me on enough sleeping pills to kill a small country, but when I take them it's like a shot of adrenaline. I'm wide awake and tired as all hell at the same time. FML

by dead / 03/18/2016 at 3:40pm / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

by drucle / 03/18/2016 at 8:49am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Health

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

by inpain / 03/17/2016 at 12:56am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I'm on spring break on a tropical island, visiting family I hadn't seen in years. They invited me out to eat, and won't take no for an answer. All of this would be wonderful, if it weren't for the fact that I've been vomiting to the point of expelling bile and dry heaving for the last two days. FML

by FunFun in the Sun / 03/16/2016 at 10:51am / Dominican Republic (Distrito Nacional) / Health

Today, I'm recovering from a brain injury that occurred a few months ago. The newest challenge I'm facing is thinking the floor is moving any time there is a change in colour or texture. My house has patterned tile floors and carpet. FML

by Anonymous / 03/14/2016 at 7:41pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I waited for the single bathroom for a very long time. I finally knocked on the door and found no one was in there. FML

by SBae / 03/14/2016 at 11:49am / United States (Ohio) / Health