Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

by monkeywrench / 08/30/2015 at 7:29am / Sweden / Health

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 1:08pm / Canada (Quebec) / Health

Today, my doctor died. Last week, after a check up I'd had because I was worried about a cough, he told me not to worry because I was as healthy as he was. FML

by Anonymous / 08/29/2015 at 4:50am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

by unsuckable / 08/28/2015 at 2:13am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I found out that the medicine I've been taking for my headaches is responsible for my headaches getting even worse. FML

by desbuhbear / 08/27/2015 at 1:50pm / United States (Tennessee) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML

by jack / 08/27/2015 at 6:56am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Health

Today, I've reached the point in my life where the "Apply to affected area" label on acne cream essentially means I need to take a bath in the stuff. FML

by Whiteheads / 08/26/2015 at 12:33am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

by whovian221b / 08/25/2015 at 6:46pm / United States / Health

Today, my date came to pick me up for a date. As I was getting into his car, a large blister on my foot burst. My foot is now swimming in a pool of hot, liquid pus. FML

by Szaszaspasz / 08/24/2015 at 6:35pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2015 at 10:03am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

by Anonymous / 08/23/2015 at 8:35am / Australia / Health

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

by period pains / 08/22/2015 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Health

Today, I scolded my son at a buffet after he pointed at an obese woman in a motorized wheelchair and asked how anyone could let themselves get so unhealthy. As I lectured him on genetics and thyroid problems, she rolled past with a plate stacked with an obscene amount of fried food. FML

by fuck / 08/21/2015 at 2:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health