Today, I had a doctor's appointment. I arrived early so I could check in with the receptionists about this weird communication mixup that's caused me to miss my last two appointments. Despite what my appointment card said, I arrived to find the office closed. FML

by in pain and tardy / 03/11/2016 at 6:00pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I had knee surgery. I have to wear these lovely compression stockings, and going to the bathroom is really hard since I can't bend my knee at all. I ended up getting pee all over the stockings, but I can't take them off. FML

by jennaaa01 / 03/09/2016 at 11:51pm / United States (New York) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at a family dinner, I found the courage to tell my husband's parents about my schizophrenia. They exchanged weird looks and then there was an uncomfortable silence. Then my father-in-law finally says, "Christ. The grandkids won't come out all nutty, right?" FML

by Anonymous / 03/09/2016 at 1:54pm / United Kingdom (Cumbria) / Health

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

by all arsed out / 03/06/2016 at 11:50am / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Health

Today, I rubbed chilli powder on my fingers in an attempt to kick the habit of biting my nails. Ten minutes later I went to the bathroom. It still burns. FML

by b5b0n36 / 03/05/2016 at 9:38pm / United States (California) / Health

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2016 at 12:54pm / United States (Iowa) / Health

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

by MrAries / 03/02/2016 at 6:45am / United States / Health

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

by man-period? / 03/02/2016 at 1:48am / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, while working as a hostess in a restaurant, an old lady complained to the manager that I was on heroin because she could see all the track marks on my arms. I was actually fighting a staph infection and the "track marks" were where my IV had been placed. My manager told me to cover it up. FML

Today, I hung out with some old friends for the first time since losing about 50 pounds, going from clinically obese to a healthy weight. I even bought a cute new dress for the occasion to show off my new body. No one noticed the change. FML

by Anonymous / 02/29/2016 at 5:56pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had to leave work early as I almost passed out. My girlfriend's first question after I told her what happened was, "Did you hear Leonardo DiCaprio won an Oscar?" FML

by Sir Anon / 02/29/2016 at 3:18pm / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

by PizzaPants / 02/29/2016 at 1:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

by thatsucks / 02/28/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Washington) / Health