Today, I noticed that the injury on my hand from three weeks ago no longer hurt. A while later, I accidentally slammed that same hand in a door. FML

by BudmaudeY / 03/31/2011 at 4:53pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Health

Today, I managed to stab myself with a knife while trying to open something without a can opener. After getting stitches and returning back home, I went to make a cup of coffee. I found the can opener in the cutlery drawer. FML

by nicky / 03/31/2011 at 3:18pm / United Kingdom (Surrey) / Health

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

by foreverafatty / 03/31/2011 at 1:49am / United States (Nevada) / Health

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

by shelby / 03/30/2011 at 12:54am / United States / Health

Today, I wound up in hospital because my boyfriend covered my face in fake gore while I was sleeping, to see if I was really as scared of blood as I claimed. Sure enough, when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I fainted, smashing my head against the counter on the way down. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2011 at 7:58pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I found out my dad has a 1-in-a-million disease that makes your liver process pain medication at twice the rate of a normal person. If that wasn't bad enough, he also tells me he hopes I don't have it too, because it can be passed down. He said this because I'm 29 weeks pregnant. FML

by Spike / 03/29/2011 at 2:08pm / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I decided to mock a few stuck-up runners by effortlessly jumping over the track hurdles. The last one was the easiest. The easiest to crush my balls on, and twist my ankle up in the process. FML

by Anonymous / 03/29/2011 at 2:50am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

by ouchmytits / 03/28/2011 at 2:42am / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, while at my dorm, I experienced a vomit-inducing migraine. In my hurry to get to the bathroom to puke, I couldn't find a pair of shoes. I urgently needed the toilet, so I braved the communal bathroom barefoot. As I opened the stall door, I stepped in someone else's fresh vomit. FML

by hellosir / 03/27/2011 at 1:55pm / United States / Health

Today, I was going to my prom. My mom knows I want to drink so to prevent me, she made sure I took my prescription medicine before I left. I guess her way of stopping me from drinking is killing myself If I do. FML

by coolkid111 / 03/26/2011 at 8:26pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

by burntloyalty / 03/26/2011 at 4:54pm / United States / Health

Today, I was hiking, and four miles away from my car and civilization, I tripped over a rock into a cactus. I used duct tape, which ripped all the hair off my arms and legs but ignored the spikes. FML

by Broderick / 03/26/2011 at 2:32am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, in front of my family, my brother's wife announced that she was pregnant with their first child. Everyone joked around and said I was next. Two weeks ago I found out that I'm sterile. FML

by dazzla08 / 03/25/2011 at 8:07pm / Health