Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

by Mike / 04/25/2011 at 5:39pm / Health

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

by Anonymous / 04/24/2011 at 7:49pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I shaved my head because I heard that one of my good friends got cancer. I went to visit her in the hospital. She's not bald. FML

by nohair / 04/24/2011 at 10:06am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

by rhartnett11 / 04/23/2011 at 2:12am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

by n77 / 04/22/2011 at 10:17pm / Switzerland (Vaud) / Health

Today, I went to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The day before, I was too anxious to eat anything, so I went in with an empty stomach. There were complications during the extraction and now I'm not allowed to eat for the next 24 hours. FML

by Anonymous / 04/21/2011 at 2:18pm / United Kingdom (Glasgow City) / Health

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

by embarassed / 04/20/2011 at 11:24pm / United States / Health

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

by norestforthewicked / 04/19/2011 at 12:30am / Health

Today, my husband and I were diagnosed with herpes. We've been together for five years and were both virgins before. Even the doctor couldn't give any other explanation. FML

by bumpyroad / 04/17/2011 at 10:29am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I had to take a mandatory drug test with the doctor present. Nervous, I couldn't get myself to pee in the cup right away. When I finally did, I couldn't stop myself from overfilling the cup and getting pee all over myself. FML

by overflowing / 04/16/2011 at 6:20pm / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

by pepsifoot / 04/16/2011 at 3:18pm / United States (Oregon) / Health

Today, after receiving the third call this week from teachers about my son falling asleep in class, I decided that it would be a good idea to hide his Xbox controllers. He decided it would be a good idea to hide my diabetes medication. FML

by bbedlock / 04/16/2011 at 8:35am / Australia (New South Wales) / Health

Today, I woke up with my eye swollen half shut. To spare the embarrassment, I asked my mom if I could stay home from school. She said no, but also attempted to make me feel better by saying that with my eye, my acne was unnoticeable. FML

by madi / 04/15/2011 at 3:13pm / United States (California) / Health