Today, I dropped a pizza I made. Don't worry though, I caught it between my hands and legs. I no longer have fingerprints on my right hand. FML

by PizzaPants / 02/29/2016 at 1:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I learned that my housemate used a dry vacuum to unclog the toilet before moving out and then didn't change the vacuum bag. He left several weeks ago. FML

by thatsucks / 02/28/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I woke up with the flu. My wife thinks I'm faking it so we don't have to go on date night, even though I've been on the toilet all day. FML

by blarghhhh / 02/28/2016 at 9:58am / United States (Michigan) / Health

Today, I got hit by a stray cantaloupe. That's not a typo. I hate my neighbors' kids with a burning passion. FML

by Anonymous / 02/28/2016 at 6:06am / United States (Tennessee) / Health

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2016 at 5:31pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my mum wants me to see a psychologist because I've been acting strange lately. If by "strange" she means "not wanting to die any more", then sure. But thanks, I could've used that psychologist 3 years ago when I asked for one. FML

by Anonymous / 02/26/2016 at 3:22pm / South Africa (Eastern Cape) / Health

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

by Anonameow / 02/25/2016 at 7:31pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Health

Today, after years of torment by my anxiety disorders and therapy and medication not helping, I've made the decision to try hypnosis. After doing a Google search and finding out my therapist is a man, my overly jealous fiancé insisted on joining, "because he might hypnotise you into cheating." FML

by and he wonders why I'm anxious / 02/25/2016 at 5:41pm / Netherlands / Health

Today, my husband, who has been in a coma for 5 weeks, woke up. When I went to visit him, the first thing he did was try and continue the argument we had been having before he crashed the car. FML

by anonymous / 02/25/2016 at 4:55pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to an indoor trampoline park. This would usually be fun, except that I got there, broke my ankle, and left in an ambulance, all before my friends even arrived. FML

by rangerluke / 02/25/2016 at 10:52am / United States (California) / Health

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

by Anonymous / 02/24/2016 at 11:39am / Health

Today, the officers of my archery club forgot to check if anybody was behind the targets looking for arrows. I got hit in the leg. FML

by arrow / 02/23/2016 at 3:39pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

by goodjobme / 02/23/2016 at 1:53am / United States (California) / Health