Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

by Jonny / 01/08/2012 at 11:07pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, after having watched a scare story on the news about heart disease, my mom is now insisting that we have daily, hour-long, family yoga sessions together. I have a job, and barely have enough time to do my homework as it is. I'm going to be grounded if I don't take part. FML

by marie519 / 01/08/2012 at 7:59pm / United States (Mississippi) / Health

Today, my fiancé called and hung up right after I answered. He called back 5 minutes later demanding to know the name of the man who answered my phone. This "man" was me. I have bronchitis. Yes, he's aware of this. FML

by Anonymous / 01/08/2012 at 1:23am / United States / Health

Today, my sister attacked me and stuffed a Tic Tac up my nose. I'm currently in the hospital waiting to have it removed. FML

by tictacnose / 01/07/2012 at 7:33pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

by sick in Vegas / 01/07/2012 at 5:21pm / United States / Health

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. I have debilitating 'morning sickness' all day. And now I get to add peeing my pants every time I throw up. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2012 at 9:07am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2012 at 9:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

by aylla / 01/06/2012 at 12:51pm / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Health

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

by Ixi_the_pixie / 01/06/2012 at 11:16am / United States / Health

Today, I broke my arm, and posted a picture of my X-ray on Facebook to show everyone how bad the break is. Nobody even asked me if I was OK. FML

by Anonymous / 01/06/2012 at 5:27am / United States / Health

Today, I won a lifetime supply of pineapples. One problem, I'm allergic to pineapples. FML

by dusk / 01/05/2012 at 3:09am / United States (Colorado) / Health

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

by gimpy / 01/04/2012 at 11:55am / United States (California) / Health

Today, my mom came home from surgery. Upon arriving home, she flashed a paper in my face and said, "Want to see pictures of my colon?" My eyes are still burning. FML

by emsbuffalo / 01/04/2012 at 1:15am / United States / Health