Today, I choked on a gummy bear and ended up in the emergency room. The first thing the doctor said to me was, "Well, that must have been 'beary' uncomfortable." The entire room burst into laughter. FML

by Kayla / 03/05/2012 at 7:43pm / United States / Health

Today, I defended the dried up things in the cup noodles as being real vegetables, just so that it would appear that I do actually eat vegetables. FML

by Nope / 03/05/2012 at 4:42am / China / Health

Today, my stomach muscles are still sore from yesterday. Not because I was doing sit-ups or working out or anything, but because I have to work that hard to take a dump. FML

by wtbfiber / 03/05/2012 at 12:12am / United States / Health

Today, I sneezed while at the office. I felt snot shoot out, but I couldn't see anything on the tissue. I ignored it and went on with my day. When I went to the bathroom hours later, I noticed a huge wad of snot had dried onto the front of my shirt. No one told me about it. FML

by breebree-0 / 03/04/2012 at 2:36pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was suffering from a persistant, irritating itch on my butthole. Worried, I took a picture with my iPhone to get an idea of what was causing said itch. I never found the source, but my Mum and grandmother did, on the iPad. Thanks, Photo Stream. FML

by Buttscratcher / 03/03/2012 at 11:12am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I was having a pleasant jog, that is until I was struck by the terrible feeling of an oncoming turd. Being only about 20 minutes from home, I thought I could make it back without letting the beast out. I was so wrong. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I was carrying the Sunday paper. FML

by fingerhut / 03/03/2012 at 3:27am / United States (California) / Health

Today, it's my birthday. My mom got me a gym membership and a bunch of clothes that are a few sizes too small. FML

by bannana0zoom / 03/03/2012 at 3:06am / Canada (Alberta) / Health

Today, my hatred for IKEA reignited when I rammed my knee into my hotel bathroom's plexiglass counter top while I was drying myself off. Their interior designer must have have been suffering brain damage when she matched everything with the floor tiles. FML

Today, I had a long conversation with my fiancé about how smoking menthol cigarettes is not a substitute for brushing your teeth. He still isn't convinced. FML

by Anonymous / 03/02/2012 at 10:54am / United States / Health

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

by cmoney6452 / 03/01/2012 at 11:17am / United States (Ohio) / Health

Today, my girlfriend called me a lazy pig. To prove her wrong, I decided to go lift some weights. A few reps in, my arm cracked and my first reaction was to squeal like a pig. FML

by Ismellbacon / 02/29/2012 at 1:29am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Health

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

by awhmaaan / 02/27/2012 at 10:55am / United Kingdom / Health

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

by Anonymous / 02/27/2012 at 7:29am / United States / Health