Today, I overheard my mom telling my younger sister not to use my razors because she "doesn't know what I may have." FML

by Anonymous / 12/25/2011 at 2:28am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

by Sleep Deprived / 12/25/2011 at 12:27am / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, my Mom and I found out that we're allergic to the wood my Dad has been making fires with. She can't see, I can't breathe. FML

by AllergyRidden / 12/24/2011 at 5:05pm / United States (California) / Health

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

by Anonymous / 12/23/2011 at 9:49pm / Australia / Health

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

by justnance / 12/22/2011 at 1:04pm / United Kingdom (London) / Health

Today, I'm on a medication that really dehydrates my skin. I thought split lips were the worst side effects. Other split orifices make a trip to the toilet a literal pain in the arse. No sign of stopping in the near future. FML

by ouch / 12/20/2011 at 7:46am / Australia (Western Australia) / Health

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

by suhleedah18 / 12/19/2011 at 12:03am / United States / Health

Today, after staying up all night with an excruciating headache, it finally went away. I crawled into bed and snuggled up to my husband only to have him shift positions and elbow me right in the head. FML

by wideawakeandinpain / 12/17/2011 at 6:09am / United States (North Carolina) / Health

Today, I hit a new low when I caught myself eating the chocolates that were meant to be part of my boyfriend's Christmas presents. FML

by Username / 12/16/2011 at 1:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

by ms piggy / 12/15/2011 at 4:52pm / United States / Health

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

by Kara / 12/15/2011 at 4:43pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

by brownunderwear / 12/13/2011 at 10:45pm / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, I saw a quarter in my poop. My friends say I do stupid things when I get drunk. Apparently, eating change is one of them. FML

by photomark / 12/13/2011 at 1:32am / United States / Health