Today, I was going to surprise my boyfriend at his family birthday celebration with a $2,000 trip he's always wanted, Ireland. Right before my gift, he had opened his mother's gift, an envelope containing a plane ticket. Guess where it was going? FML

by Anonymous / 07/22/2009 at 4:11am / United States (California) / Holidays

Today, I returned from a month-long stay in a psych ward for severe depression and suicide attempts. The first words my friends say to me when I call them and let them know I'm out? "Does this mean you're not gonna be so emo? 'cause that was really annoying." FML

by emogurl / 07/22/2009 at 1:47am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I finally figured out who has been stalking me for the past 5 months. And we're related. FML

by stalkered / 07/22/2009 at 12:27am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, my manager came in and said "Hey Alice, great job closing so well last night. NOT." and walked off. When I heard the door shut, I said "And great job being a bitch, you cow." I heard my manager walking back towards me. She wasn't the one who left the room. FML

by Alice / 07/22/2009 at 12:03am / United States / Work

Today, I babysat the most annoying and obnoxious kids for almost eight hours, when the parents assured me that they would only be gone about three or so hours. After constant calling and worrying, they finally showed up at 11:30, completely drunk. The mother paid me with three dollars and a banana. FML

by GabsAlot829 / 07/21/2009 at 6:17pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

by torkx3 / 07/21/2009 at 4:22pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

by emkatch / 07/21/2009 at 3:47pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML

by uh-oh / 07/21/2009 at 3:45pm / United States (New Mexico) / Intimacy

Today, I noticed that my very expensive facial cleanser was almost out. I had moved in with my boyfriend recently, and questioned him, telling him "You don't have to use so much to wash your face. That's a $70 bottle." To which he responded, "Oh, that nice-smelling stuff? Yeah, I use that on my junk." FML

by NotSoClean / 07/21/2009 at 2:53pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

by sexychica / 07/21/2009 at 1:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

by Lemonhead / 07/21/2009 at 11:19am / United States (Massachusetts) / Health

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

by picturemenakedbaby / 07/21/2009 at 6:42am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy

Today, I realized why I was hired to be a nanny. Apparently the husband had eyes for the last nanny. According to the wife I am not attractive enough to be a threat. FML

by nottananny / 07/21/2009 at 4:49am / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous