Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

by scarred / 07/27/2009 at 12:42am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

by bookworm94 / 07/27/2009 at 12:10am / United States (Nevada) / Miscellaneous

Today, I had to tell my 10 year old son that me and his father are getting a divorce. His reply? "Yes! I call living with dad!" FML

by reckless182 / 07/26/2009 at 11:13pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

by omgwtfsam / 07/26/2009 at 8:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

by mvp / 07/26/2009 at 7:51pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

by Fmycatslife / 07/26/2009 at 7:18pm / United States (Missouri) / Animals

Today, I went on the large bungee drop at the West Edmonton Mall waterpark. As I was falling, my bikini top came off. I had to wait for the bungee rope to stop moving and the life guard to release the ankle strap. FML

by HorrorByrd / 07/26/2009 at 4:06pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, I told my 8 year old daughter that she looks a lot like mommy. Now she won't come out of her room because she thinks she is ugly. FML

by loserwithlice / 07/26/2009 at 2:58pm / United States (Oregon) / Kids

Today, my mom taught my boyfriend of 2 weeks how to put on a condom. FML

by helpfulmom / 07/26/2009 at 2:39pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, while doing aerobics in my room, I started doing really powerful Knee Highs. My cell phone fell out of my pocket while doing one knee high. As I looked down, I kneed myself in the face. I spent the next couple hours in the emergency room while the doctor told everyone my story. FML

by mobster / 07/26/2009 at 1:39pm / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

by Deadfish / 07/26/2009 at 1:17pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

by racchhh / 07/26/2009 at 11:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

by JennaMarie / 07/26/2009 at 11:16am / United States (Texas) / Love