Today, my best friend who I've had serious feelings for for over a year decided to tell everyone that he hasn't gotten laid in almost 2 years. When I told him that he was lying, he responded with "No, I'm not. Who could I possibly have slept with?" We hooked up 6 months ago. 3 times. FML

by sexytime / 09/02/2009 at 2:33am / United States (Utah) / Intimacy

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

by pinks / 09/01/2009 at 10:17pm / United States / Kids

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

by whorica139 / 09/01/2009 at 8:59pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was at the mall in a store looking at movie posters. I turned around and suddenly saw a creepy guy smiling at me, holding his arms out wide. I screamed "holy shit!" really loudly, causing everyone to stop and stare at me funny. Then I realized the creepy man was a cardboard cutout. FML

by becca1417 / 09/01/2009 at 6:21pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

by adriana / 09/01/2009 at 12:48pm / United States (Utah) / Money

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. After hundreds passive aggressive comments, my boyfriend and I went into the kitchen. I started complaining to him about how his parents were horrible and mean. Little did I know, his parents had followed us in and were right behind me. FML

by Anonymous / 09/01/2009 at 11:18am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, I told the guy I have been sort of dating that I want to connect emotionally before sleeping with him. He told me that he already had an emotional connection with his fiancée and was only interested in sleeping with me. FML

by MenSuck / 08/31/2009 at 11:56pm / United States (Florida) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She's a screamer. FML

by UGH / 08/31/2009 at 7:48pm / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

by beya / 08/31/2009 at 6:05pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I was in an unfamiliar building on campus and I needed to use the bathroom before class started. I walked in and saw a man at the sink. I said "Oh my god I'm sorry! I thought this was the women's washroom." It was. The very butch looking woman gave me a look of death. FML

by Cherie / 08/31/2009 at 5:18pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

by ohsugarxo / 08/31/2009 at 1:21pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend got a babysitter for the kids and told me she was taking me to a party. My son told me his band was playing at a party. I will be 40 tomorrow, so I thought this would be the best surprise birthday party ever. It WAS a surprise birthday party – for a friend of ours. FML

by kelkline / 08/31/2009 at 12:45pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was hurrying for the bus home from work. It was raining and I had my umbrella up. As I hurried by two women, I felt my umbrella hit one of them on the head. I turned to apologise and saw her standing with her hands on her newly bald head. My umbrella had lifted her wig off her head. FML

by Karen / 08/31/2009 at 10:48am / United Kingdom (London) / Transportation