Today, I had a blind date that my friend set me up for. My date was the ugliest, most disgusting person you will ever meet, but I thought that I would give him a chance. He saw me, eyed me up and down, then said to my friend "You're kidding, right?" FML

by BlackCheetah101 / 11/04/2009 at 1:51am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

by dishwasherforlife / 11/04/2009 at 12:26am / United States (Connecticut) / Work

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 12:18am / United States (Minnesota) / Health

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

by assdialed. / 11/04/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Arkansas) / Miscellaneous

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 12:05am / Canada (Northwest Territories) / Love

Today, I watched my car roll backwards on the freeway, while attached to the tow truck that I was sitting in. FML

by ljd09 / 11/03/2009 at 11:06pm / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

by tbanana95 / 11/03/2009 at 10:17pm / United States (North Carolina) / Love

Today, I accidentally cut myself with a razor blade on my toe. Not only does it sting really badly, but it reinforces the fact that I have abnormally hairy toes that need to be shaved. FML

by scaryhairy / 11/03/2009 at 8:44pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my best friend and the guy I had a crush on for 2 years are getting married. The worst part is that they've been dating for 2 years in secret, and just came out about it now. I've been telling her for 2 years how much I like him, and she's encouraged me the whole time. FML

by Uknowwh / 11/03/2009 at 8:12pm / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I came in to work and found the conference room white boards completely clean. My assistant wiped all the white boards where I spent 10 hours writing schedule for the next three months. I was going to meet with all supervisors to finalize that schedule today. FML

by CorpDrone / 11/03/2009 at 4:51pm / United States (Arizona) / Work

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

by Anonymous / 11/03/2009 at 2:49pm / United States (North Carolina) / Transportation

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

by doglover / 11/03/2009 at 1:11pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

by katurday / 11/03/2009 at 10:59am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous