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Man or woman?

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

#1704585
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62735) - you deserved it (2757)

On 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm - misc - by Gumfanatic302 (woman) - United States (Nevada)

Today, my dad texted me and told me "I love u." I answer back with "I love you too dad...are you drunk?" and he answers back "Of course I am..." My dad only tells me he loves me when he's drunk. FML

#1696810
156 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63814) - you deserved it (4650)

On 05/06/2009 at 6:04pm - love - by thatonekid (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

#1695418
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49458) - you deserved it (4450)

On 05/06/2009 at 4:46pm - misc - by twoheadedboy (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I got into my driving instructors car for my first lesson. He looked at me, then said, "I'm sorry, but I wasn't told about your disabilities, what do you have?" I'm not disabled. FML

#1694606
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57624) - you deserved it (3201)

On 05/06/2009 at 4:09pm - misc - by wow. (woman) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML

#1693218
202 comments

I agree, your life sucks (71270) - you deserved it (4631)

On 05/06/2009 at 3:17pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, while driving home I had to pee really bad. I decided to speed to get home quicker. I got pulled over for speeding and peed my pants. The cop, assuming I was drunk, made me take a sobriety test. I had to walk a straight line with piss all over my pants at 2:00 in the afternoon. FML

#1692972
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55493) - you deserved it (11145)

On 05/06/2009 at 3:11pm - misc - by jojo (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

#1690188
277 comments

I agree, your life sucks (98933) - you deserved it (22719)

On 05/06/2009 at 12:57pm - intimacy - by Familyskank (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I was giving my friend sex advice when she asked me when was the last time for me. Not only did I lie but I realized that it was in November and the time before that was June. I have had sex less times this year than she has this week. FML

#1688369
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48894) - you deserved it (10814)

On 05/06/2009 at 11:07am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I was excited about my friend going wedding dress shopping. Before I went to go work out, I decided to try on a prom dress from high school to remember what it felt like to get dressed up. It was too tight, I broke the zipper, and spent 45 minutes trapped before I cut myself out. FML

#1688328
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18411) - you deserved it (37243)

On 05/06/2009 at 11:04am - misc - by Fatty (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I was walking on the track when this really cute guy shows up. I was hot and sweaty, and wanted to impress him by pouring water on myself. Instead of being turned on, all he saw was me wiping my face on my shirt screaming. It wasn't water, I forgot I had brought Sprite. FML

#1686217
285 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10339) - you deserved it (94835)

On 05/06/2009 at 7:36am - love - by gymbob (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

#1685097
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59330) - you deserved it (3755)

On 05/06/2009 at 4:57am - misc - by random (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

#1684476
218 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46847) - you deserved it (8402)

On 05/06/2009 at 3:40am - misc - by frankie034 (woman) - Australia (Australian Capital Territory)

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

#1675057
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11091) - you deserved it (46081)

On 05/05/2009 at 8:27pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Nova Scotia)



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