Today, my boyfriend and I realized that the vibrator we bought got sent to his parents house. He picked it up from them, brought it home, and we discovered that they had already opened the package. They even tried to hide the evidence by re-taping it. FML

by crazygirl / 10/29/2009 at 2:42am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

by chipmunk / 10/29/2009 at 1:20am / United States (California) / Love

Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML

by Quirk / 10/29/2009 at 1:17am / United States (California) / Animals

Today, I learned there is a taste difference between grabbing a glass of milk that has been sitting on your night table for a week and the one you put on there 3 minutes before. FML

by GlassJAwkidE / 10/29/2009 at 1:16am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 1:15am / Australia (New South Wales) / Animals

Today, I was getting on a bus, the driver shut the door on me while I was half way inside. Instead of apologizing to me, he criticized me for getting in the way. FML

by insignificant / 10/29/2009 at 12:15am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went on a first date with an employee from Sobey's who asked for my number while I was grocery shopping. We decided to each bring a friend. I brought my roommate. He brought his girlfriend. FML

by lds124 / 10/29/2009 at 12:11am / Canada (Saskatchewan) / Love

Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML

by clueless / 10/29/2009 at 12:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I went running for the first time in a few months. I had what I thought was an asthma attack. When I got home, I realized that it was not asthma, but instead I have gained so much weight that my running bra restricted my breathing. FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2009 at 12:07am / United States (Georgia) / Health

Today, I decided I'd take a nap in my car because I got to work very early. As I was waking up from my nap, I saw a cop looking right at me. Turns out, a lady who'd parked her car right next to mine after I was asleep had called the cops on me because she thought I was dead. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2009 at 9:09pm / United States (Maryland) / Transportation

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

by LadySteph12 / 10/28/2009 at 8:53pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

by R / 10/28/2009 at 6:29pm / United Kingdom (Belfast) / Work

Today, I was working my job at Sephora when I overheard two women talking. One of them asked her friend, "Is being pretty a requirement to work here?" Her friend turned to see me, turned back to her friend and said, "I guess not." FML

by uglyyyyy / 10/28/2009 at 4:19pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Work