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Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

#2401782
242 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59781) - you deserved it (13441)

On 05/29/2009 at 1:52pm - intimacy - by FMLFMLFMLFML (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, my boy friend said "you know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

#2401768
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46652) - you deserved it (3194)

On 05/29/2009 at 1:51pm - misc - by Jazzyfayyye (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

#2399867
149 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45072) - you deserved it (6092)

On 05/29/2009 at 11:47am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, it was my boyfriend's 24th birthday. His friends were throwing him a surprise party and I was in charge of getting his birthday cake. As a joke, I got it in the shape of a penis, with a graphic marzipan design. Funny, I never knew his overly-conservative parents were invited. FML

#2397124
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13359) - you deserved it (47813)

On 05/29/2009 at 7:12am - misc - by ilikecake (woman) - United Arab Emirates (Dubai)

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

#2396046
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43315) - you deserved it (13027)

On 05/29/2009 at 1:44am - misc - by suckerrrrr (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was trying to flirt with the guy I like using body language, so I leaned over this counter in a sensual way. I happened to have a fork, so I went to bite the tip that sexy way people do in movies. I accidentally stabbed myself in the lip, cutting it. My lunch had jalapeños in it. FML

#2395953
88 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10033) - you deserved it (50987)

On 05/29/2009 at 1:23am - misc - by M2thaM (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, I learned to never blast classic rock with your convertible's top down while passing an SUV full of gangbanger wanna-bes. That is, of course, unless you want your immaculate, newly detailed leather seats to be decorated with pretty brown and white milkshake stains. FML

#2393913
224 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43946) - you deserved it (7759)

On 05/29/2009 at 12:08am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Mexico)

Today, at work as a cashier, I had a male customer come up to me and ask me what hours I worked today, like he has done for several weeks now. Immediately after, my manager calls my lane to tell me to watch out for that guy. He has been stalking a co-worker of mine. Apparently, I'm next. FML

#2393503
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42362) - you deserved it (3646)

On 05/28/2009 at 11:51pm - work - by be_nj (woman) - United States (Arkansas)

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

#2392986
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18062) - you deserved it (42624)

On 05/28/2009 at 11:41pm - misc - by danyelicindereli (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, while getting ready for work I realized all my pants were getting a bit tight. When I got home from work I went in to the bathroom and stood on the scale which confirmed I have gained a few pounds. I then realized that I was eating while standing on the scale. FML

#2390335
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10773) - you deserved it (54091)

On 05/28/2009 at 10:35pm - health - by pathetic (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

#2387828
243 comments

I agree, your life sucks (61375) - you deserved it (5014)

On 05/28/2009 at 9:32pm - misc - by Jeanine (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I seemingly misplaced my cell phone but didn't have time to look for it before work. This evening, my cell phone company calls me to tell me I have six hundred dollars worth of calls to El Salvador that I have to pay for. My cell phone was not misplaced, it was stolen. FML

#2384944
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39872) - you deserved it (3598)

On 05/28/2009 at 8:13pm - money - by xxteenhearts (woman) - United States (Texas)



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