Today, a customer complimented me on how good I looked for my age. She thought I was in my forties. I'm 18. FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2009 at 10:29pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work

Today, I learned the hard way that if you walk up to a hobo by your car pooping, they will chase you yelling, "Get out of my bathroom!" FML

by Anonymous / 11/05/2009 at 12:28pm / United States (Washington) / Transportation

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

by aqua88 / 11/05/2009 at 10:26am / Malaysia (Selangor) / Miscellaneous

Today, I nearly sliced my nipple off while shaving my chest and had to go to the ER. Turns out it was a teaching hospital so I got to explain in front of two doctors and eight med students how, even though I'm a woman, my nipples are so hairy I have to shave them. FML

by HairyBoobs / 11/05/2009 at 9:22am / United States (Texas) / Health

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

by Cate / 11/05/2009 at 5:25am / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

by scumbag / 11/05/2009 at 5:12am / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

by FatRunner / 11/05/2009 at 2:41am / New Zealand (Marlborough) / Health

Today, I went for coffee with some people from work. I lined up to order behind a guy I'd only met a few times. When he paid, he dropped his wallet, and I saw that he had a picture of me cut from the company newsletter, enlarged, and taped inside his wallet. FML

by CreepyPaperDoll / 11/05/2009 at 1:36am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

by raebay / 11/04/2009 at 8:23pm / United States (Mississippi) / Kids

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 7:40pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, while walking to work, I accidentally dropped my $400 cell phone on the sidewalk. The screen shattered into a million pieces. A woman passing by looked at the ruined phone and said, "Now that's what you call a dropped call!" She laughed and kept walking. FML

by Cellismasher / 11/04/2009 at 5:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I drove three and a half hours to surprise my long distance boyfriend for our anniversary. He was out of town. Where was he? Three and a half hours away trying to surprise me. FML

by Anonymous / 11/04/2009 at 4:42pm / United States (South Carolina) / Miscellaneous

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

by Walker / 11/04/2009 at 3:00pm / United Kingdom (Coventry) / Transportation