Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

by drunkennight / 11/22/2009 at 10:45pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

by Sam / 11/22/2009 at 8:35pm / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy

Today, while looking through a stack of possible pictures for Facebook, I found one I really liked, until I noticed that I have recently developed a bald patch. Problem? I am a 22 year old woman. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 5:13pm / United States (Wyoming) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

by Annie / 11/22/2009 at 5:07pm / Mexico (Coahuila de Zaragoza) / Animals

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend of one year when an attractive girl walks over. She asks him, "Is this your girlfriend?" He replied "That depends... are you single?" FML

by Rejected. / 11/22/2009 at 12:49pm / United Kingdom (Nottinghamshire) / Love

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

by nolinguist / 11/22/2009 at 12:39pm / Austria (Oberosterreich) / Holidays

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

by trying2breathe / 11/22/2009 at 11:49am / United States (Arizona) / Transportation

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

by mjperfetti84 / 11/22/2009 at 8:53am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

by jaydiv / 11/22/2009 at 4:15am / Australia (Tasmania) / Animals

Today, when putting something away on a high shelf, something small and black fell down my cleavage. I thought nothing of it and finished the task at hand. When I pulled out the neck of my shirt later to find it and looked down, glaring up at me from my boobs was a large, disgruntled spider. FML

by Arachnaphobic / 11/22/2009 at 3:35am / United States (Oregon) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk and thought it would be funny to spray himself in the face with pepper spray. I was in his drunken firing line too. After him vomiting and being blinded for a few hours, he was fine. I, on the other hand, had a terrible allergic reaction and got rushed to hospital. FML

by jayne_dhoe / 11/22/2009 at 2:41am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

by Anonymous / 11/22/2009 at 2:31am / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I got diagnosed with stomach ulcers. They are very painful, and I have been throwing up blood. On my latest trip to the toilet, I was heaving and the pain was making me beat the floor with my fist, the toilet lid decided to come crashing down on my head, giving me a minor concussion. FML

by Anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 11:12pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous