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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

#3611862
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53135) - you deserved it (3116)

On 07/09/2009 at 1:50pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

#3604059
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17769) - you deserved it (56659)

On 07/09/2009 at 3:35am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) -

Today, it was my birthday, and my boyfriend got surgery on his gallbladder because he had big gallstones. After they were removed, he was still a little out of it from the morphine. He gave the gallstones to me for my birthday. Better still, his mom suggested I make a necklace out of them. FML

#3603411
136 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48286) - you deserved it (3345)

On 07/09/2009 at 3:02am - love - by gallstones (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

#3602722
100 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59483) - you deserved it (4415)

On 07/09/2009 at 2:33am - intimacy - by Told_You_So (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got excited when my cell phone lit up because I hadn't received a single phone call all day. Turns out it was the "low battery" indicator. FML

#3601227
127 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40786) - you deserved it (10317)

On 07/09/2009 at 1:36am - misc - by WaitingByThePhone (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend who dumped me after 2 1/2 years because I got fat. The last two years I've lost 68 lbs, am happier and couldn't wait to shove that in his face. So, of course the first time he see's me I'm alone, pushing a shopping cart full of ice cream for a party later. FML

#3593405
110 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46403) - you deserved it (5643)

On 07/08/2009 at 9:28pm - love - by WeightAMinute (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my mom turned to me and said, "You know, you're the kind of person that has to change literally everything about themselves to get a guy to like you." I thought she was joking so I laughed. She then said "Like that. Your laugh... What is that? Change that." FML

#3587785
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66170) - you deserved it (4937)

On 07/08/2009 at 5:43pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

#3586637
128 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47953) - you deserved it (4036)

On 07/08/2009 at 4:51pm - misc - by ug (woman) - Canada (Prince Edward Island)

Today, the car in front of me was going slow and I flashed my lights and honked. I floored it and passed the car, flipping off the driver. Just as I went around the next corner I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop. A few seconds later, the guy I flipped off drove by honked and waved. FML

#3583602
203 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7568) - you deserved it (90544)

On 07/08/2009 at 2:45pm - misc - by AmberKCole (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, at work, I was calling customers to tell them that they had prescriptions waiting to be picked up. It was a long list and every time I reached an answering machine I left our number so they could call us back. When I was finished, the pharmacist told me I been giving out our fax number. FML

#3582524
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15103) - you deserved it (34700)

On 07/08/2009 at 1:52pm - work - by pharmn00b (woman) - United States (Rhode Island)

Today, I thought I was home alone so I went to take a shower and left my door open. My dog came in, stole my bra, and ran out of my bathroom. I jumped out and followed him only to find out that my brother had two of his friends over. They all saw me naked and my dog had my bra in his mouth. FML

#3582507
182 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47700) - you deserved it (10906)

On 07/08/2009 at 1:51pm - animals - by coral (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was driving home through the middle of nowhere when a screw punctured my car tire. I arrived at the town's only auto shop to find that it had closed early. Frantic, I dialed the emergency number listed on the shop's locked door. On the other side of the glass, a phone began to ring. FML

#3579421
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47808) - you deserved it (3097)

On 07/08/2009 at 11:24am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)



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