Today, I was going into an office building. There was a boy and a man ahead of me, and the boy held the door open for me. Surprised, I said "What a nice young man," and he said. "It's ok, ma'am; my dad says to always hold the doors open for old ladies." I'm 43. FML

by Anonymous / 12/09/2009 at 4:05pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I was watching TV with my mom. The new Trojan Ecstasy condom commercial came on. I sat there awkwardly while my mom pulled out her shopping list. I bet you can guess what she added. FML

by aawkward... / 12/09/2009 at 2:27pm / United States (Kentucky) / Intimacy

Today, I received my camera in the mail. I had sent it back to the company because it wouldn't turn on. As I was reading the note they put in, it said, "Battery was put in backwards. No other problems found." FML

by her0x3her0ine617 / 12/09/2009 at 1:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a private message on Facebook, from a woman I've never heard of, subject: "Eric X's wife says HI." She goes on to say that she is going to find me, and ruin my life the way I have ruined hers. I've never even heard of Eric X and am happily engaged. FML

by Cherie / 12/09/2009 at 11:31am / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, my dog received a christmas card before I did. FML

by amywee / 12/09/2009 at 10:33am / United Kingdom (York) / Animals

Today, I showed up on set for a film that I booked a role in weeks ago. At the time of the audition, the script was being rewritten, so today I was so excited and eager to be told what my role would entail. When they handed me the script, my character was described as a fat, ugly, awkward girl. FML

by okaythen6 / 12/09/2009 at 6:13am / United States (New Jersey) / Work

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

by dfkjhregoiuberiug / 12/09/2009 at 4:20am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

by Violated / 12/09/2009 at 3:47am / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation

Today, I was eating a bag of almonds I got from the bulk food store, picking off what I thought was stringy remnants of their shells. When I finally got down to the bottom of the bag, I found a silk worm circling around the last almond left of a bag of about 200. FML

by somechick / 12/09/2009 at 12:25am / Canada (Ontario) / Health

Today, I was cleaning out my new guinea pig cage for the first time because one of them had babies last night. After using a spatula to shovel up the 3 inch layer of crap and placenta, I decided to hose it down. The hose came on so hard, it sprayed the dung and birth water all over my face. FML

by poohead / 12/09/2009 at 12:07am / Australia (Queensland) / Animals

Today, I got stuck in the snow in the middle of street. As I was just beginning to get myself unstuck, the snow plow came by and buried the front end of my car. FML

by HoHoSnow / 12/08/2009 at 10:03pm / United States (Nebraska) / Transportation

Today, while sleeping over at my guy friend's house, I woke up mid-air after falling off his abnormally high loft bed. Luckily, there was a table and 3 shot glasses to break my fall. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2009 at 7:23pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

by Anonymous / 12/08/2009 at 5:02pm / United States (New York) / Kids