Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML

by forgottendaughter / 01/17/2010 at 9:41am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Miscellaneous

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

by Anonymous / 01/17/2010 at 8:44am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

by notpregnant / 01/17/2010 at 7:20am / Italy (Lombardia) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

by writer4life / 01/17/2010 at 12:30am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I learned that when you put duct tape over your mouth because you are bored, it really hurts taking it off. FML

by ow / 01/17/2010 at 12:25am / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous

Today, my 6-year-old cousin came to my door, demanding canned food. I asked him what for, and he said, "Dad said I needed them for a school project." I said all right, and he started raiding my pantry. I was left with only green beans. He stole all my Spaghetti O's. FML

by Stumble / 01/16/2010 at 11:43pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

by VeeDubDisaster / 01/16/2010 at 9:35pm / United States (Colorado) / Transportation

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

by riptoofie / 01/16/2010 at 4:36pm / United States (Nevada) / Animals

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

by Awkward / 01/16/2010 at 4:24pm / United States (Texas) / Love

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

by kikinemo / 01/16/2010 at 4:05pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

by dire-rear / 01/16/2010 at 3:19pm / Singapore / Health

Today, this huge wasp started flying around me. I freaked out and started running from it. Then I slipped, landed face-first in some dog poo, and got stung by the wasp on my leg. FML

by life_sucks / 01/16/2010 at 1:46pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Animals

Today, I lost my virginity to my amazing boyfriend. As we were getting dressed, I realized I had lost my bra. After intense searching I finally found it and put it on. It wasn't mine. FML

by Anonymous / 01/16/2010 at 11:44am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy