Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

by ohdear / 01/03/2010 at 1:06pm / United Kingdom (Falkirk) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was making myself lunch. I love cooking, and often, I pretend I'm on the Food Network. I started to slice some tomatoes rapidly, which, turns out, was a big mistake; I sliced my thumb open. FML

by PWI_addict / 01/03/2010 at 12:11pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM, and I'd just finished watching a scary movie, so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep, when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2010 at 11:35am / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I handed my friend a $50. I paid her to take care of my farm on Farmville, feed my fish on Fishville, and flip my burgers on Cafe World, while I went on vacation for a week. FML

by loser / 01/03/2010 at 7:00am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

by nzkristy / 01/03/2010 at 5:59am / New Zealand (Southland) / Health

Today, my mother forwarded me an email my stepdad had sent her because he was annoyed that I left a light on last night. Talk about communication problems. I wonder how I'm going to tell them I'm pregnant. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2010 at 5:36am / South Africa (Western Cape) / Health

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

by CP19JK12KH / 01/03/2010 at 4:56am / United States (Indiana) / Love

Today, I just spent half an hour cleaning up my little brother's puke after he got drunk for the first time. All the people who bought him drinks are still out partying and having a good time, while all I can smell is whiskey, Chinese food, and whatever else was in his stomach. FML

by always-the-responsible-one / 01/03/2010 at 3:42am / Canada (Manitoba) / Miscellaneous

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

by stillavirgin / 01/03/2010 at 2:41am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

by embarrassed / 01/03/2010 at 1:53am / United Kingdom (Kent) / Love

Today, my 8 year-old niece and I were arguing over how many letters were in the alphabet. Guess who was right. FML

by Anonymous / 01/03/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was getting ready for a party and accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

by cutiepatootie / 01/03/2010 at 12:04am / United States (Vermont) / Miscellaneous

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

by garfwebba / 01/02/2010 at 8:17pm / United States (Maine) / Love