Today, I let my boyfriend drive my car, knowing that he doesn't have a license. While he was out, he ran a stop sign, collided with another vehicle, and then left the scene of the accident. Then he lied to me about how the accident happened so I "wouldn't be so upset." FML

by dream_girl_3 / 03/08/2010 at 4:37am / United States (Florida) / Transportation

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

by itsEVERYWHERE / 03/08/2010 at 12:34am / United States (Washington) / Health

Today, at work, I had toast thrown at me by an old Vietnam vet. Who also happens to have a dead cat in his freezer. I love retirement homes. FML

by liz / 03/07/2010 at 8:46pm / United States (Washington) / Work

Today, I woke up with one of the worst migraines I've had in months. My mother (who thinks I'm a hypochondriac) began to scream at me about "making up an illness". When I asked for my meds, she called me an addict and dumped my $300 prescription down the sink. FML

by space_cadet90818 / 03/07/2010 at 7:16pm / United States (Vermont) / Health

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

by woopdeedo_1 / 03/07/2010 at 2:56pm / United Kingdom (West Sussex) / Intimacy

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is getting engaged. He broke up with me five months ago because our relationship was too serious for him. FML

by anonymous / 03/07/2010 at 2:20pm / United States (Maryland) / Love

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I met at a masquerade. The moment he saw me without my mask on, he left the date. FML

by workinggirl / 03/07/2010 at 12:38pm / United States (Montana) / Love

Today, my fiancé picked which new house he thinks we should live in based on the fact that the bathroom was set up in such a way that he can drink himself in to a stupor, then use the toilet and puke in the sink at the same time. FML

by ohshit / 03/07/2010 at 12:25pm / United States (Iowa) / Love

Today, I agreed to let my boyfriend cover every inch of my body in whipped cream and lick it off. We were both enjoying it until his 9 year old sister walked in and started crying. FML

by fml / 03/07/2010 at 10:46am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy

Today, I had a sip of my coffee and felt a lump of some kind enter my mouth. I thought it was a bit of biscuit, and then remembered I didn't have biscuits this morning with my coffee. I took it out of my mouth and it was a huge black fly. I then spat the rest of my coffee all over my laptop. FML

by jess / 03/07/2010 at 9:08am / South Africa (Gauteng) / Geek

Today, I found out how mature the guy I'm seeing is. After sex, he took the condom off and hit me in the face with it. FML

by Anonymous / 03/07/2010 at 9:08am / United Kingdom (Manchester) / Intimacy

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

by notamathematician / 03/07/2010 at 5:27am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a phone call from my father asking how I spelled my name. Not only was he the parent who picked out my name, he was completely serious. FML

by crimson28 / 03/07/2010 at 3:18am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous