Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2010 at 8:54pm / United States (Florida) / Love

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he started pretending he was a dog. This included barking, licking my face, and scratching his ears. FML

by kjdhfakjs / 05/20/2010 at 2:32pm / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I finally got a job interview, and I thought it went amazing. They were supposed to call me today or tomorrow with the news. Today is also the day that my phone company decided to cut my phone off. FML

by goodtiming / 05/20/2010 at 12:58pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

by Soaked / 05/20/2010 at 11:20am / United States (Indiana) / Kids

Today, I shaved my legs and pits for the first time this summer. It took 3 disposable razors and an hour to get the job done. I've clearly been single for far too long. FML

by Anonymous / 05/20/2010 at 7:04am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML

by GrossedOutKary / 05/19/2010 at 3:20pm / Puerto Rico / Intimacy

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

by likesboys / 05/19/2010 at 8:00am / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

by Anonymous / 05/19/2010 at 1:05am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

by tallwoman / 05/18/2010 at 2:57pm / Denmark (Arhus) / Health

Today, I finally worked up the courage to talk to this hot guy in my law school contracts class. His response? "I'm no fashion expert, but I don't think you're supposed to wear purple underwear with white pants. Not that it matters, though, because your zipper is wide open." FML

by Dana422 / 05/18/2010 at 1:22am / United States (New York) / Love

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

by ihatelaura / 05/15/2010 at 7:47pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Love

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

by Anonymous / 05/15/2010 at 3:41pm / United States (Florida) / Money

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

by Teaching26 / 05/15/2010 at 3:47am / United States (Virginia) / Kids