Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

by Anonymous / 02/18/2010 at 7:44pm / United States (New York) / Health

Today, I finished my classwork and my homework early. Since we weren't allowed to leave the room, I decided to draw. My teacher noticed and gave me detention for "goofing off" when I should be doing my work. When I told the teacher I was already done, they gave me a second detention for "attempting to defy them". FML

by fannylover / 02/18/2010 at 3:12pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML

by goldie09 / 02/18/2010 at 12:36pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, a picture fell off of the wall in the middle of the night. It hit me smack bang in the middle of face. FML

by Hayleey_079 / 02/18/2010 at 9:22am / United Kingdom (Gloucestershire) / Health

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

by brokenhearted / 02/18/2010 at 4:51am / United States / Love

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

by Lizzielollipop816 / 02/18/2010 at 1:38am / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

by ApparentlyEmo / 02/18/2010 at 1:06am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

by buttcrack / 02/18/2010 at 12:31am / United States (Georgia) / Transportation

Today, I went in to my local cafe for my morning coffee. I was chatting to the barista as she was making it, and I mentioned that I was starting a new diet. She goes, "Oh that's great! I've been sneaking skimmed milk in your coffee for years, I didn't want to say anything..." FML

by Skimilk / 02/17/2010 at 9:47pm / Australia (Victoria) / Health

Today, I was leaving Wal-Mart with my daughter when a man was speeding the wrong way in the parking lot. To avoid getting hit, I pulled over to the side. He thought I was going the wrong way. He got out cursing and screaming and punched a dent in my hood. FML

by WTFsalad / 02/17/2010 at 9:46pm / United States (Arizona) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a club with my friends and my friend got really drunk. Later on he came up to me and said he really needed to pee but he was too drunk to work the zipper, and asked if I could help. When I finally unzipped him, he was so desperate to go he pissed in my face. FML

by missunlucky / 02/17/2010 at 7:24pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Miscellaneous

Today, I noticed that my ceiling was sagging slightly. I got up on to a chair to look at it more closely, and I touched it. Turns out that my ceiling was full of water. It went everywhere, ruining my new iPod, phone, and all the things my daughter bought for university. FML

by ceilingssuck / 02/17/2010 at 3:18pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Miscellaneous

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

by tj85 / 02/17/2010 at 2:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love