Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

by fatpooch / 05/13/2010 at 2:01am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me through Skype, with the message "my penis wants more, but my heart and mind don't want to hurt you." FML

by justsingle / 05/11/2010 at 4:56am / Philippines / Intimacy

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

by boring / 05/10/2010 at 6:14am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Money

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

by Anonymous / 05/09/2010 at 12:19pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy

Today, I had sex for the first time in months. His apology took longer than the sex did. FML

by izzie / 05/09/2010 at 10:15am / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Intimacy

Today, my family and I went to the mall. We all split up in a department store to shop for our own clothes. While shopping, I caught my dad feeling up a mannequin in the back corner of the store. FML

by notmydad. / 05/08/2010 at 6:07am / Philippines (Manila) / Intimacy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a naughty pic. I then asked him if there was anything else he wanted before I got dressed. His reply? "No it's fine." FML

by Rejection / 05/04/2010 at 3:33am / Intimacy

Today, I signed in my msn messenger. Everyone in my friends list apparently changed their status to 'busy' or 'away' when they saw me online, including my crush. FML

by everyonehatesme / 05/02/2010 at 4:37am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Geek

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to do something fun and spontaneous, so we had sex in the disabled toilet in the shopping centre. Little did we know, the male AND female toilets were conveniently being cleaned at the time, so the only toilet open was the disabled one. Walk of shame. FML

by sam / 05/01/2010 at 8:12pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

by Michelle / 04/26/2010 at 5:42pm / New Zealand (Auckland) / Health

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

by Rowden / 04/26/2010 at 5:58am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, I was expecting a call from my friend. The phone rang and I answered with "WANK!!" as a joke. It wasn't my friend on the phone, it was my boss. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2010 at 6:00am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I were at a restaurant with a few other couples, and my boyfriend started to rant on how "all the hot chicks are dumb." Apparently, I'm either ugly or stupid. FML

by uglyorstupid / 04/20/2010 at 12:46pm / Croatia (Grad Zagreb) / Love