Today, my boyfriend lied about crashing his car just to avoid seeing me. FML

by gixxergirl8787 / 06/06/2010 at 8:40pm / United States (Ohio) / Love

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

by LilyL / 06/06/2010 at 5:53pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML

by Annakins / 06/06/2010 at 2:31pm / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML

by justdancebbyx3 / 06/06/2010 at 1:23am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

by ugh / 06/05/2010 at 7:49pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous

Today, my two friends and I went to the movies. One of my friends brought my crush. They started making out, leaning over the armrest, until they were practically in my lap. Saliva got on my arm. FML

by someoneelsessaliva / 06/05/2010 at 2:59am / Australia (Queensland) / Love

Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML

by firecrotch / 06/04/2010 at 1:36am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, after staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time, I got in the shower. His bathroom door doesn't lock, so half way through my shower he walked in. Trying to be sexy, I pressed myself up against the glass, which turned out the be a door that opens outwards. I fell on the floor. FML

by elevenharries / 06/03/2010 at 4:54am / United Kingdom / Intimacy

Today, I spent some time in a sun-bed to prepare myself for a very special reunion with my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in 6 months. I hope he likes crispy red butt-cheeks, and I wonder whether they will start peeling before or after he returns. FML

by Aiaiii / 06/03/2010 at 3:55am / Germany (Niedersachsen) / Health

Today, I was excited about showing everyone at work my new piercing. It's in an interesting place in my ear, and its not that common. Before I had the chance to tell anyone about it, someone asked "Are you wearing a hearing aid?" FML

by Kbizz / 06/02/2010 at 10:12pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Health

Today, I got married. My new husband wanted to carry me over the threshold of our apartment, but he couldn't pick me up. FML

by Official_Person / 06/02/2010 at 5:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Health

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

by Amb / 06/01/2010 at 7:56pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

by smellyfeet / 06/01/2010 at 12:19pm / United Kingdom (Wolverhampton) / Intimacy