Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

by tallesttree54 / 11/10/2016 at 7:38pm / Love

Today, I replaced my dating apps with food apps cause at least someone will show up after I use the food apps. FML

by fyreangel / 11/10/2016 at 4:39pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, after complaining about the clocks still being an hour ahead from daylights savings, my work finally changed the time on all the clocks in the building. Now all the clocks are two hours ahead. FML

by needagoodlaugh / 11/09/2016 at 8:58pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, my dog ate my underwear. This is the twenty-seventh pair that he has eaten. FML

by CanadianEH / 11/08/2016 at 6:39pm / Animals

Today, I thought I was being a good worker by showing a mother and daughter several rooms before they settled on one. Turns out Mommy dearest only wanted a place for her brat to throw a party. The cops found alcohol, drugs, and guns. This from the people who complained about a loose chair arm. FML

Today, I spent an hour pulling poop-covered prickles out of my husky's butt. A duck had startled him while he was doing his business and his first thought was to run, mid-poop, into a prickle bush. FML

by Alittlebitiffy / 11/07/2016 at 8:51am / Australia (Western Australia) / Animals

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

by Fartini / 11/07/2016 at 1:47am / Intimacy

Today, I had to teach my 13-year-old sister that sugar and salt don't, "cancel each other out to make the taste neutral". FML

by poormanslucyliu1 / 11/06/2016 at 9:28pm / Kids

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

by WhoNose / 11/06/2016 at 6:52pm / Animals

Today, I was so tired at the pet store I was working at that I accidentally offered a kid a dog treat instead of their dog. He ate it. While his mom watched. FML

by Anonymous / 11/06/2016 at 8:50am / Work

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

by Redhairchick / 11/06/2016 at 2:08am / Health

Today, I saw a photo on Facebook of all my best friends from high school together at a 50th birthday party I wasn't invited to. I knew the birthday guy for longer than any of them and introduced everyone in high school. They wouldn't even know him without me. FML

by scooterbyrd / 11/06/2016 at 1:08am / Miscellaneous

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

by hashtag67 / 11/05/2016 at 5:08am / Work