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Today, my mom told me that when I choked on a tortilla chip yesterday, she was seriously planning on cutting my neck open and sticking a straw in it if I didn't stop, because she saw someone do it on 'E.R.'. Now I'm scared to have an emergency around her. FML

Today, my ex, for whom I still have feelings, introduced me to his new girlfriend. To make things "less awkward," he invited a mutual friend of ours. However, the last time I'd seen this friend, it was a week after my ex and I had broke up, and we hooked up. Awkward doesn't cover it. FML

#21501584
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21092) - you deserved it (5171)

On 12/08/2015 at 6:08pm - love - by neverleavingthehouseagain (woman) - United Kingdom (Surrey)

Today, while giving my final speech, a bump that had been growing on my arm popped. Pus leaked through my white dress sleeve, and it smelled like death. Everyone noticed. FML

#21501522
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22236) - you deserved it (2348)

On 12/08/2015 at 3:24pm - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

#21501482
55 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18284) - you deserved it (1272)

On 12/08/2015 at 1:36pm - misc - by wtfiswronghere (woman) - United States (North Carolina)

Today, my husband put on a nice suit and asked me out to dinner. When he found out I was on my period, he decided to stay home instead, since there was "no point" anymore. FML

#21501460
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25244) - you deserved it (2451)

On 12/08/2015 at 12:14pm - love - by alexa (woman) - Germany (Bayern)

Today, a guy for whom I did a design job told me he would only be able to pay me in 3 weeks. I told him that it was OK, as long as I didn't have to follow him around to collect my money. "Don't worry, I know the feeling," he said, "I used to run an illegal business." FML

#21501371
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20920) - you deserved it (2013)

On 12/08/2015 at 3:30am - money - by Lala (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I was so inexplicably horny that I had to shuffle awkwardly and use my bag to hide the wetness of my pants as I left work for the day. FML

#21501271
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22244) - you deserved it (3165)

On 12/07/2015 at 9:32pm - intimacy - by Hormones apparently (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, at work, I used my foot to flush the toilet, lost my balance, and ended up catching myself with my foot in the toilet. FML

#21500589
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19335) - you deserved it (10232)

On 12/06/2015 at 12:06am - work - by gmian (woman) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

#21500277
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20462) - you deserved it (2096)

On 12/05/2015 at 1:49am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

#21500134
60 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23358) - you deserved it (2636)

On 12/04/2015 at 7:32pm - kids - by anon (woman) - United States

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

#21500041
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23954) - you deserved it (3084)

On 12/04/2015 at 2:00pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to get a piece of apple that was stuck in between my teeth. A chunk of my tooth came out instead. FML

Today, even though I've been studying and working with children and adolescents for the last 14 years, I've come to find that their parents' behavior tends to be worse than their children's. FML



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