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Today, I was back home from work drinking coffee when I heard someone open the door with a key. It was my boyfriend, who obviously didn't expect to see me home. We don't live together, and I never gave him a key. FML

#21067356
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45014) - you deserved it (3557)

On 02/21/2014 at 4:59am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Russian Federation (Lipetsk)

Today, I received a response to my perfectly straightforward online dating profile: "How about changing a dirty diaper, mommy?" FML

#21067330
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32033) - you deserved it (3878)

On 02/21/2014 at 3:04am - intimacy - by sadlysingle (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML

#21067130
270 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47018) - you deserved it (3523)

On 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm - misc - by BakedBat (woman) - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my mom and I flew three hours from Wyoming to a volleyball camp in Kentucky. When we arrived, we went to the volleyball center and told them I was there for the volleyball camp. They told me it had been cancelled two weeks ago and they forgot to call us. FML

#21066263
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47155) - you deserved it (3195)

On 02/20/2014 at 3:57am - health - by maddengirl12 (woman) - United States

Today, after 10 months of hard work, it was the opening night of the show I was directing. Everybody loved it, except my mother. She called it the worst thing she'd ever seen. Thanks for the support, mum. FML

#21065609
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33741) - you deserved it (2614)

On 02/19/2014 at 4:33pm - work - by Disappointed (woman) - United Kingdom (Brighton and Hove)

Today, I was cleaning the bathrooms at work. An older gentlemen came in and needed to use it. He said to me "Oh no, PLEASE stay, just don't look." I don't get paid enough for this. FML

#21065584
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (35893) - you deserved it (3335)

On 02/19/2014 at 4:09pm - work - by sarad206 (woman) - United States

Today, I'm eight months pregnant with my second child. My 18-month-old son loves to watch my belly move when his baby brother moves. And then loves to smack my belly. It's going to be a long eighteen years. FML

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

Today, my brother and I took our cars to get oil changes. While we were there, a guy asked if we were dating. When we told him we were siblings, he responded with, "So?" FML

Today, I was struggling through small-talk at a party where I knew nobody. Tattoos came up and I started talking about trendy, girly tattoos like feathers, anchors and infinity signs with stupid words in them. Turns out the girl I was talking to had all three. FML

#21065212
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37177) - you deserved it (9538)

On 02/19/2014 at 2:17am - misc - by thisismyawkwardface (woman) - South Africa (Gauteng)

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

#21064600
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36513) - you deserved it (4750)

On 02/18/2014 at 4:15pm - health - by dating a pussy (woman) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

#21064527
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40804) - you deserved it (13946)

On 02/18/2014 at 2:49pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Virgin Islands, U.S.

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

#21064082
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51572) - you deserved it (4250)

On 02/18/2014 at 12:45am - love - by fiercehawk (woman) - United States (Indiana)



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