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Today, I went on a first date. Everything was going well until he asked me, "So, what's the biggest thing you've stuck up your vag?" FML

#21281604
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14069) - you deserved it (1076)

On 10/20/2014 at 5:28am - intimacy - by bye loser (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, the kids on my cross country team were planning a big surprise party for one of the girls, whose birthday is in a few weeks. It's my birthday today. FML

#21281118
38 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20370) - you deserved it (1462)

On 10/19/2014 at 2:19pm - misc - by forgotten (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

#21280942
79 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25962) - you deserved it (3249)

On 10/19/2014 at 7:22am - kids - by how about never? (woman) - United States (California)

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

#21280509
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27881) - you deserved it (9617)

On 10/18/2014 at 3:29pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, I sent my fiancé a sexy picture while I was at work. I never got a response from him, so I gave him a call after a while. His 9-year-old son answered. Apparently he was getting a haircut at the time. FML

#21280130
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25662) - you deserved it (7090)

On 10/17/2014 at 10:23pm - intimacy - by melissa1028 (woman) - United States

Today, I learned that if you give a squirrel a cookie, he'll climb up your pants in search of more cookies. FML

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

#21278553
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32917) - you deserved it (3568)

On 10/15/2014 at 7:36pm - misc - by facepalm (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

#21278160
84 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31525) - you deserved it (4337)

On 10/15/2014 at 2:26am - intimacy - by datgurllllukno (woman) - United States

Today, I watched from my office window as a couple maneuvered their car to squash a dead pigeon flat on the road. I then watched as they got out of the car, set up tripods and started taking photos of it. FML

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend in the missionary position. Once again, our cat decided to crawl onto his back and stare at me. FML

#21276776
70 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31054) - you deserved it (4387)

On 10/13/2014 at 6:20am - intimacy - by Drafrica (woman) - South Africa

Today, I received an email from an angry parent, demanding that I give his daughter an A on a project which I had given her a 0 on. The project was to pick an article related to science and to write an essay on it. Hers was a hoax article relating to Ebola patients rising from the dead. FML

#21276337
245 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33268) - you deserved it (4876)

On 10/12/2014 at 4:46pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my morning sickness got so bad that, while at the grocery store, I had to throw up in my purse. FML

#21276226
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34410) - you deserved it (3488)

On 10/12/2014 at 1:38pm - misc - by Mc2013 (woman) - United States

Today, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with all of our family and friends. Too bad it ended with us leaving the reception before dancing even started, since my groom couldn't stop bawling his eyes out from all the stress. FML



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