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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Man or woman?

Today, I, along with two cops and another paramedic, had to fight to pin down some total scumsucker. He was high out of his mind on god knows what, in his underwear, screaming like a maniac outside someone else's house at 2 in the morning. I don't get paid nearly enough for this shit. FML

#21450305
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22892) - you deserved it (2443)

On 08/01/2015 at 2:18am - work - by hook me up with some smack, Jack (man) - Australia (Western Australia)

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

#21450062
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25382) - you deserved it (1974)

On 07/31/2015 at 2:28pm - misc - by ppema (man) - United States

Today, I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes. My wife, who didn't want me to get them, decided it would be a good idea to jump on the hood of the car while I was driving off. She hit the car and fell off. My neighbor saw this. Neither her nor the cops believe me when I say I didn't hit her. FML

#21449719
92 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23541) - you deserved it (4100)

On 07/30/2015 at 10:06pm - misc - by Just wanted a cigarette (man) - United States (New York)

Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

#21449050
99 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27700) - you deserved it (1562)

On 07/29/2015 at 1:00pm - misc - by HF44 (man) - United States (California)

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

#21449035
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27661) - you deserved it (2244)

On 07/29/2015 at 11:30am - money - by fukingtigans (man) - Croatia (Zadarska)

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

#21449022
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20751) - you deserved it (9790)

On 07/29/2015 at 10:41am - misc - by fack (man) - United States (California)

Today, a customer bitched me out, saying he wouldn't eat his vegetarian dish because it didn't "look vegetarian enough." He then demanded a refund and a plate of the same vegetarian dish. FML

#21448499
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22930) - you deserved it (1369)

On 07/28/2015 at 9:14am - work - by Anonymous (man) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

#21448216
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28628) - you deserved it (2392)

On 07/27/2015 at 8:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because her dog "told her to". FML

#21448078
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24766) - you deserved it (2462)

On 07/27/2015 at 2:55pm - love - by Afroman720 (man) - United States

Today, I went to put a lasagna in the oven for dinner. I was greeted by a revolting scent of a chicken-soup and biscuits boxed dinner. The fridge apparently was too full for my brother to put it away inside, so he covered it up and forgot about it in the oven. We made that dinner two weeks ago. FML.

#21447669
50 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21261) - you deserved it (1963)

On 07/26/2015 at 6:43pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Utah)

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

#21447538
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22660) - you deserved it (1931)

On 07/26/2015 at 1:55pm - love - by suosi (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

#21447515
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23486) - you deserved it (2660)

On 07/26/2015 at 1:29pm - misc - by arch maester shavayalsharashion (man) - United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames)

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

#21447496
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25270) - you deserved it (2147)

On 07/26/2015 at 12:36pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - Finland (Western Finland)



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