Today, I asked the girl I am in love with out on a date. She asked me for my name. FML

by nameless / 07/12/2009 at 2:45am / United States / Love

Today, my girlfriend, who never initiates sex, pulled me into my room and onto my bed with kisses and other seductive behavior. As I'm thinking about how awesome it is that's she's doing this for once, she reaches down, grabs my underwear, and gives me the worst wedgie I've ever received. FML

by robinhoood / 07/12/2009 at 1:38am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I went to the water park, and got in a line on a staircase to get on a waterslide. A couple minutes in, I feel a large amount of warm liquid drip on my head. Seconds later, a crying girl was being lead down the stairs being told that 'everyone wets themselves sometimes'. FML

by Anonymous / 07/12/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

by policeopenup / 07/11/2009 at 3:38pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

by jadakorn / 07/11/2009 at 9:48am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my daughter was telling everyone at her elementry school about my gay partner. Yes, I have a gay partner. He is my work partner and he happens to be gay. FML

by charma / 07/11/2009 at 9:14am / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

by ttsutaoka / 07/11/2009 at 3:43am / United States (California) / Transportation

Today, I went on a date, and everything was going fine- until the ride home. On the way, I starting having progressively bad stomach pains. Once she left the car, I passed the worst gas that I had ever encountered. As I began to drive, she knocked on the window. She forgot her purse in the car. FML

by Anonymous / 07/11/2009 at 12:42am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was playing tennis with my friend. He hit a ball up high, and I slammed it down, thinking there was no way he would get it. Feeling pretty good about it, I turned around to celebrate. As I turned around, I got smacked in my face. He got it. FML

by Name / 07/11/2009 at 12:20am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

by failhusband / 07/10/2009 at 7:18pm / United States (Utah) / Love

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

by Anonymous / 07/10/2009 at 5:59pm / Iraq (Arbil) / Intimacy

Today, I went to my friend's house for the first time. As I was pulling up, I called him and asked him if I could use his bathroom. He told me to just go in the back and use it, so i did. As i'm sitting on the toilet, someone knocks on the door and asks me who I am. It wasn't my friend's house. FML

Today, my boss came to my cubicle to give me my annual performance bonus. I was asleep at my desk. FML

by ChrisC / 07/10/2009 at 5:21pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous