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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

#56665
504 comments

I agree, your life sucks (231249) - you deserved it (81128)

On 02/16/2009 at 9:29pm - kids - by offbeans (man) - United States (California)

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

#55512
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31294) - you deserved it (5367)

On 02/16/2009 at 7:26pm - health - by Loot (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

#55493
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9268) - you deserved it (61101)

On 02/16/2009 at 7:24pm - misc - by lunarboy (man) - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

#54355
19 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36609) - you deserved it (4316)

On 02/16/2009 at 4:45pm - misc - by LonelyInLA (man) - United States (California)

Today, I was hooking up with a girl in my apartment when I told her I didn't have a condom. She started laughing and upon realizing my look of confusion, said "Oh, you actually thought I was going to have sex with you?" FML

#54081
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53939) - you deserved it (16157)

On 02/16/2009 at 4:09pm - intimacy - by pineapple456 (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I lost 200 dollars while playing poker with my new sunglasses. Turns out you can see the cards in the reflection. FML

#52319
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (11856) - you deserved it (72119)

On 02/16/2009 at 10:25am - misc - by jwz (man) - Netherlands (Noord-Holland)

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

#52066
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8745) - you deserved it (63500)

On 02/16/2009 at 8:01am - misc - by bready (man) - United States (California)

Today, I walked by my roommate and his girlfriend while they were hugging. I asked "what's up lovebirds?". Turns out they were in the middle of a breakup. FML

#51436
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36447) - you deserved it (9293)

On 02/16/2009 at 2:36am - misc - by dammit_ (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I took a friend out for what I thought was date. After dinner was over and I paid, she pulled the bill out and wrote her name phone number on it for the waiter. FML

#51117
15 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46306) - you deserved it (3064)

On 02/16/2009 at 1:41am - misc - by Noname (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

#50610
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13961) - you deserved it (26773)

On 02/16/2009 at 12:35am - misc - by thedullard (man) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

#46035
18 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30314) - you deserved it (9778)

On 02/15/2009 at 8:56am - misc - by charpanda007 (man) - Hong Kong

Today, I ran over a beer bottle which popped my car tire, which then caused me to swerve into a police cruiser. FML

#46008
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55014) - you deserved it (3769)

On 02/15/2009 at 8:28am - misc - by andjusticeforall (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

#45910
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14684) - you deserved it (79115)

On 02/15/2009 at 5:43am - misc - by Mofisto (man) - United States (California)



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